Saturday, March 6, 2010

3 d&cs down.....God willing none to go.

I went through my 3rd and hopefully FINAL d/c yesterday morning @ 8. I was dazed the whole way there and desperately trying to muster up some prayers before the procedure. I had been annointed at a Divine Mercy healing mass about a month ago (when we first got news the baby may be another miscarriage) so I knew I was a go on the soul front even though I was (and am) still angry with God. Rememebering that service is a happy thought. There were so many people at the healing mass and I truly felt healed body and soul as the priest annoited my head and hands with the sacred oils. I immediately knelt down to pray and rubbed the holy oil all around my belly and begged God to breath his living breath into my womb. The next day is when we saw the fetal pole and yolk sac, and I TRULY believe a miracle had taken place and I had been completely healed. Now it is so difficult to understand how God gave me back the baby's life that appointment only to take it away 2 weeks later?? I would have rather had bad news to follow the bad news, not a smidge of hope inbetween. That just made it that much harder. Why God?

I have been cramping, loopy from 5 different medications they have given me (my husband is called Nelly Nurse by my mom since he brings them all to me the minute they need to be taken, God love him), and crazily hungry. My sister and one of my best friends sent an edible arrangement, and I ate all day yesterday even though I know I should have been fasting, but God surely understands. I will double duty fast next Friday. My parents came over and brought catfish, turnip greens, homemade mac and cheese, and Paula Deen's ridiculously delicious "Not Yo Mama's Banana Pudding". If you enjoy cooking, you must try this recipe. It made my day halfway bearable yesterday. If there is one good thing about surgery, and I should know after 3 d/c and an abdominal myomectemy, it's that my family and friends come together to feed, visit, and take your mind off the sadness of what has just happened.

The patient beside me while waiting for my d/c was an older lady from africa who was waiting to have her eggs extracted and was talking to her doctor non stop about the next ivf appointment. I heard her say his name and I realized that is the clinic I will be going to in May, different doctor, however, same clinic. I hope that is not a route they will select for me. Getting pregnant is not an issue, staying that way is, so surely they will not suggest that. Now my prayer is that our problem is not chromosome problems b/t the two of us or NK cells. I have read the problems it could be with my rpl and those are not two I can handle. The options are: keep getting pregnant until one baby sticks which could be countless attempts or "they select a viable embryo from egg extraction which does not have problems and insert into the uterus." I will not be able to "kill" non-viable eggs. The other option is what they lady in the UK has gone through with 17 m/c and finally has conceived. How that lady is not committed, I'll never know.... Heck, I needed to be committed after our 2nd! It didn't help that it feel smack in middle of the holiday merriment season and directly after the birth of 2 neices and a nephew (once again who were unplanned...), but I was over the top depressed. She must have the faith of Job, that woman.

My father in law is a true gift from God. He is a born again Christian after years of smoking and drinking heavy and found the Lord right after my husband was born to become a nondenominational preacher. He preaches in jails, prisons, and missions and goes on mission trips around the world preaching the Gospel. Even though are faiths are different, that are in essence the same. He came to be with us at the surgery center and was there when I awoke in recovery. I was so drugged still and crying, crying, crying. He was there holding my hand and preaching to me about keeping the faith. He reminded me of Sarah and Abraham, Elizabeth and Zechariah. He said he KNOWS we will have a baby and that I just have to give it all to God: the pain, anxiety, fear, and sadness of waiting. He knows I have been struggling with prayer and faith after each m/c but especially after this one. He truly is Godsend, and I am thankful God picked his son for me. I am blessed. Actually I told my priest that same thing before mass Thursday night. Maybe that is why God has given me this cross to bear. I have had a truly great and blessed life. My husband is patient, loving, and a genuinely beautiful man who treats me so wonderfully. My family is loving, large, and supportive. My friends are more loyal than a Labrador Retriever. I have been born into this great country with freedoms unheard of for women in other parts of the world. I have a job I am obsessed with and the mind to learn anything God puts in front of me. I know had a large cross to bear, but maybe it is because I have never really had one to bear before. So I can do this. I can bear this cross and maybe one day will understand exactly why He has given it to me......

My husband and I have decided a weekend getaway will do us both some good. We are going to New Orleans next weekend and staying at a nice hotel with a romantic package including champage, chocolate strawberries (even though I gave up choc for lent ?), VIP in room breakfast, upgrade to deluxe room with balcony, and I am really looking forward to it. Ahh especially the food, it will be so delicious, plus my DH has never been to NO before. He is going to love it. We are going to eat, drink, try to be merry, shop, and just relax and enjoy each other. I love NO and love going to mass there especially at St Louis Cathedral. I may even do some shopping for the trip if I feel like it this week. I left stuff for a sub for Monday, but I am hoping I will feel like going back to work. I only have one day left, and I really need to save it in case I get a call from a cancellation from the RE's office. I pray to God they call with a cancellation soon. I am 35 years old and need to get this started.

Below is a prayer a friend sent me that is so beautiful, I wanted to share. If anyone has a cross to bear, here is the prayer for you:

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart.This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you.He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.


  1. I'm so sorry...Gosh, I don't even know what to say because the whole thing sucks.

    I've never been to NO either and would love to go!!! :) I hear the food is outstanding! ;)

    The whole transfer egg talk scares the ever living crap out of me. ;) There is a good MTHFR doctor out there and she is in Chicago Dr. Kwak Kim, if you get to a point where you need her.....St. Louis is obviously easier to get too....Has anyone discussed lovenox (SP) with you?

    Obviously the fertility doctors don't talk Catholic so be on guard when you see them. :) It is good to use them for the information they can give you but you can also throw out the other information.... ;)

    Both Dr. G's that you have the information for won't force feed you IVF because they are Catholic. :) And since it's an obgyn office you never have to pay out of pocket like you do at the fertility clinic. ;) It's all covered under insurance because it's billed as a medical condition not infertility....

    Obviously they are not right down the street...But just like that furniture commerical we always see on tv "it's worth the drive". :) Heck, I will drive you! ;)

  2. I am so sorry. You are indeed in good hands with such a wonderful husband, caring family, and a Heavenly Father that is with you in this darkest hour.

    The NO getaway sounds wonderful. I have never been either, but keep watching the airlines to see when the next cheap flight comes available. Be sure to take a lot of pictures to share with us.

    I truly understand your hesitation/concerns on working with an RE/ART clinic. I think it is most important to be well informed and know what your limits are. I was petrified going in, but said at the first meeting that IUI, IVF, & ART were not options for me personally and that was it. It has not been pushed or even suggested to me, but I know others have had different experiences and really, working with a clinic is not for everyone. He/she should not really suggest anything until testing.

  3. Hi Allie! I clicked on over from Sew's blog. I am sorry to read of your miscarriages. I have miscarried twice, but yet, I still don't know what to say to others that have miscarried (and don't even get me started on what I want other people to say to me...I guess I don't even know). So, just know of my heartfelt sorrow for your pain and I will pray you for you tonight.

    I hope you have a good trip to NO. By the way, I love the prayer you posted at the end. God Bless!

  4. Hi Allie! I'm a new reader, also found you through Sew. I usually hate when others give me unsolicited advice, but I can't keep quiet when I want to help-have you heard or read anything about progesterone support early in pregnancy? If I ever do get pregnant, my doctor (Dr. G in Jackson, TN) wants me on progesterone to help prevent m/c right away, even though my levels are normal right now.

    Take that for what it's worth. Know that I'll be praying for you! We don't live too far away!

  5. Three more things: Thanks for posting that prayer. I read that years ago but completely forgot about it until now. I always liked that one.

    I don't know why but I can't shake this urge to give you more info about the progesterone support. Do you have a NaPro doctor? Well, anyway-here's a website that explains some stuff. From what I can tell, they recommend it for those who have suffered from multiple m/c, not just those with low progesterson levels. I'll shut up about it now :)

    Three, have fun in New Orleans! I was just talking to my husband about how we need to take a weekend trip down there! Let me know if you find a great spot to stay!

  6. Allie,
    I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I can't even imagine having three so close together. I'll pray for your comfort and healing (as well as your husbands). I'm so glad you found the online blogging community. You will find lots of information and support among this group of women. I am going to keep reading your story and I'll send you an email later in the week to respond to some of the postings you left on my blog. God bless!

  7. Allie, I am so happy to have found your blog. You story is such an inspiration, specially the miracle you experienced at Lourdes. I even made my husband read it. I am so sorry for your losses. I have had an ectopic and 2 very early miscarriages and now I feel so assured that my little ones are in heaven. All the pain you have endured makes me feel that my suffering is so little and I have been strengthened to continue my journey. My prayers will always be there for you.