Sunday, March 28, 2010

Almost Break down

I am sure many of you reading this blog attended Palm Sunday Mass this weekend. We went Saturday afternoon since I was the Narrator in the Passion Play reading. I tried to go to confession before mass, but the line was out the wahzoo, so I wasn't able to confess. I talked to Fr. B after mass and he suggested we meet sometime this week in his office to talk. So now I guess I will be having a face to face in his office during Holy Week. Wow. Get. Ready. Fr. B.

I seriously thought about calling our parish secretary to find someone else to do the readings for me. I wasn't sure about my emotional state in front of so many people, so fresh after another loss. After our second loss, I was lector about a month afterward and almost lost it in the podium when the reading was from the Old Testament of a woman and how she longed for son. (I think it was Hannah?) But, I thought I surely could narrate the Passion, right?

Wrong. About halfway through the reading, I saw the words before I spoke them. (I have such a bad habit of reading ahead). "Jesus said, Daughter of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep instead for yourselves and for your children for indeed, the days are coming when people will say, 'BLESSED ARE THE BARREN, THE WOMBS THAT NEVER BORE, AND THE BREASTS THAT NEVER NURSED'. Well, I choked over the words and praise to the Holy Spirit for helping me swallow my fear and sadness and get through the rest of the reading and mass in front of everyone. I am not vain enough to think the whole congregation was looking and pitying me, but again there are many who know of our struggle this year and of all our babies who have not made it. Maybe God is trying to tell me something through my proclamation of his Holy Word at Mass. I mean I only lector about every 6 weeks and the readings in December and in March are DIRECTLY mentioning passages dealing with loss and/or desire to have a child. Maybe he is testing my ability to persevere with carrying of our cross. Maybe he is trying to convince me to let him carry my cross of pain and suffering. Maybe it is time I let Him.


  1. No, I felt the same way today during the reading. I knew the words were coming, but when the Priest uttered them, my heart felt, well, barren.

  2. Oh, I am so sorry! I am glad that Holy Spirit fortified you and gave you the grace to deal with that in the moment. You are in my prayers tonight! God Bless you, your DH, and your dear little ones!

  3. It also seems for me that at mass is where I lose it. Just seeing families file in and mothers holding babies. And then you throw in readings like the one today, all while you are praying and trying to put yourself in a state of mind where you can accept what God is telling you. Of course this is God's way to reach your heart in the most intimate way! Suffering means "to allow" pain to affect you. Jesus allowed His Cross. There must be something redemptive in your suffering.

  4. I'm glad you were able to make it through. I didn't have any tears during that part of the reading-I just got angry. It doesn't make ANY sense to me! I have no idea what Jesus is talking about. Can someone shed some light on this?

  5. Oh, I'm so sorry that was hard for you!!! I hope, as you wonder those things that there is one who prowls the earth looking to devour us.
    He knows scripture better than any human, and Jesus Himself called Him a strong man.
    He is evil personified, and knows exactly how to lay on our hearts guilt, hurt and pain. He twists things and manipulates them to torture us.

    But Jesus is stronger! And I think you are right!! He DOES carry our crosses...He did over 2000 years ago. I'm sorry you were tortured and I will pray for your peace and strength this Easter season and beyond.

  6. Ugh..I should have proofread that! I meant to say that I hope, as you wonder those things, that you remember there is one..."