I am sure many of you reading this blog attended Palm Sunday Mass this weekend. We went Saturday afternoon since I was the Narrator in the Passion Play reading. I tried to go to confession before mass, but the line was out the wahzoo, so I wasn't able to confess. I talked to Fr. B after mass and he suggested we meet sometime this week in his office to talk. So now I guess I will be having a face to face in his office during Holy Week. Wow. Get. Ready. Fr. B.
I seriously thought about calling our parish secretary to find someone else to do the readings for me. I wasn't sure about my emotional state in front of so many people, so fresh after another loss. After our second loss, I was lector about a month afterward and almost lost it in the podium when the reading was from the Old Testament of a woman and how she longed for son. (I think it was Hannah?) But, I thought I surely could narrate the Passion, right?
Wrong. About halfway through the reading, I saw the words before I spoke them. (I have such a bad habit of reading ahead). "Jesus said, Daughter of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep instead for yourselves and for your children for indeed, the days are coming when people will say, 'BLESSED ARE THE BARREN, THE WOMBS THAT NEVER BORE, AND THE BREASTS THAT NEVER NURSED'. Well, I choked over the words and praise to the Holy Spirit for helping me swallow my fear and sadness and get through the rest of the reading and mass in front of everyone. I am not vain enough to think the whole congregation was looking and pitying me, but again there are many who know of our struggle this year and of all our babies who have not made it. Maybe God is trying to tell me something through my proclamation of his Holy Word at Mass. I mean I only lector about every 6 weeks and the readings in December and in March are DIRECTLY mentioning passages dealing with loss and/or desire to have a child. Maybe he is testing my ability to persevere with carrying of our cross. Maybe he is trying to convince me to let him carry my cross of pain and suffering. Maybe it is time I let Him.