I wondered why yesterday I didn't feel as sad as I was Monday. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't a red letter day or anything. I woke up sad, cried the whole way to school, tried to pray/talk to God, but all I could do was yell and argue. I think it would've been better if I had not even made an attempt, but I am trying still today. All I can get out is anger and question Him as to why he abandoned and neglected me. I felt closer to Him during the past 2 months of this pregnancy than any of the others. I prayed Scripture every morning, Divine Mercy prayers on way to school, rosary in the afternoons, mass on Thursday nights, and nightly meditations. And I have to vent and say "WHERE THE HELL DID ALL MY PRAYERS GO TO???!!!!" I asked and begged God, Jesus, Mary, Elizabeth, Sarah, St. Gerard, St. Jude, St. Ramon, heck all the angels and saints in heaven to bless my pregnancy and our baby, and what happens? Another devastating death of a baby. I cannot for one second try to understand. I have to try, but I cannot, not one little bit.
I lost it in school today. After lunch, I called the fertility clinic to see if I could get an appointment closer than the current one, May 6. (how can i wait that long!?) The receptionist informed me the doctor is out of the office the whole month of April. So i begged to be put on her standby cancellation call list. The last time I went there, last May for my abdominal myomectemy, my appointment was moved up 4 weeks due to a cancellation, so.... God please if you can try to hear me this time...let there be a cancellation, please.
After that mini breakdown, I got on the clinic's website to research (bad idea). I not only found out that rcl (recurrent pregnancy loss) testing is at least 6 weeks, but additionally that "our research shows 70-75% of couples with rpl will have a healthy baby. Well, I personally freaked out with those kind of odds. I mean, I am a % type person anyway. After my very first ob appt with the first pregnancy when we were stunned with "this probably won't be a viable pregnancy", I remember reading 20% of all 1st pregnancies end in miscarriage. Well, I thought to myself, "I won't be in that 1/5 of total people, that's pretty good odds". I was in that losing percent. Then with the second one, I knew that I had a 40% greater change of miscarrying again. For the second time, I fell in the losing category. So now I am deathly afraid of any sort of % when it comes to me and our quest to keeping a pregnancy. Of course my two best friends are so positive and reassuring (which is what I need) and say that is a great statistic. I just can't imagine God not allowing us to have our child. I cannot. It will not happen. It will not.
I had Spanish club for the kids after school, and it took everything I had not to bolt out the door, jump in my car, and drive off screaming and crying. My nerves today are shot. Totally and completely shot. Every little thing reminds me of our loss: from getting up to pee still in the middle of the night, to an occasional breast pain which automatically sends up my arms to feel (I did that for so many days when my symptoms started to fade out of fear), to seeing a child in the hall who I know was adopted, to hearing about a mother who was so drunk this past weekend again at a local sporting event and has 5 children (how was she granted so many children!!!!!) to looking at my desk calendar and counting days until my dc or fertitily dr appt. I am about to lose my everloving mind.
I cannot be one of the 1/4 of couples with rpl who never have a child. I will not accept it. I don't know what I have to do to block myself out of that category but I will move heaven and earth to find a way, by God. I just hope to have my prayer life back on track when it is time for the fight. One of the stages of grief is anger, I hope this stage doesn't last long, but I don't feel right when I can't talk to God, and I most definitely cannot talk to Him right now. I just hope my friends and family are lifting me up in prayer in my own absence of prayer.