In recent weeks and months, I feel like I only complain, cry, and think "Why Me?" thoughts and prayers all day long. I still am not to the prayer/spiritual point where I was and where I want to be, but my preist says it is normal to be angry and upset with God when you experience things like this in your life. Just pray anyway. Pray through your anger, your sadness, and your feelings of being abandoned. God knows how you feel anyway, so lift up those feelings to Him, only He can take them away. So even though I am still devastatingly sad (I am so anxious for the first day when I won't cry...) I decided to make a list of so many beautiful and bountiful blessings in my life. God has enriched my life with so much, I need to dwell on these things tonight, and try to have some pleasant dreams for a change. God I thank you for blessing me with:
1. my husband - who I found later in life (at age 30, not to be married until 33) and I am thankful to share this cross with such a patient, supportive, positive man.
2. my family - I am one of 5 children to parents still together and love each other dearly. I am sister, aunt, SIL, daughter in law, cousin, neice, and more. We are a very close tight-knit family none of which have left a 30 mile radius!
3. my friends - I only have a handful of close friends, but they are the best a girl could have and have been unbelievable to me throughout this short, but painful year.
4. my job - I started my current spanish teaching job last year, and I like to say that I am 35 years old, and God finally brought me to a job that I totally love!
5. my parish family - our parish is full of so many different ethnic groups, ages, backgrounds, and cultures. Our priests are 2 of the holiest and most devoted priests I have ever known. One is such a wonderful man, he has called several times after each loss and even sent flowers after our losses. My mother and I always say he WILL be Pope one day!
6. my health and the heath of my family - I know I have experienced rpl this year and obviously SOMETHING is wrong, but overall, my family and I are in good health, and I am thankful for this.
7. my pets - we have 2 labs, one black lab, Bear, who is as meek and sweet as a lamb (DH's dog) and one yellow lab, Charley, who honestly makes Marley look like a cake walk he is so darn awful (my dog, but I love him!) and our orange tabby cat FredBaby (mine before the marriage and I joke that DH is his stepdad, although lately he prefers DH to me :(
8. my country - granted after tonight's vote I may change my mind about this statement, but one day while praying the rosary and walking and praying so fervently for our last baby to be healthy, I remembered my mind wandering and thinking about how my life could be so different had I been born into another culture. I could have been a young Afganistan woman forced to live life behind a burka. I could be living in Guatemala as the wife of a poor peasant having children who would not have a chance at a future with no education or opportunity. I could be a mother in Africa, dying of AIDS and worrying about the future of my children. But instead, God chose for me to be born in America, and saints be praised for this!
9. my education - I was blessed to have a solid, stong mind to be able to excel in school, college, and learn anything I have the desire to learn.
10. my religion - I thank God I was born into His Christian faith. There are thousands of religons in the world, but I am lucky to have been born into the one, true faith.
So today I just wanted to try to focus on things to be positive and thankful for in my life. Tomorrow I am sure I will be onto to complaining, crying, and bemoaning, but for now, I just want to try to feel thankful.