So we have lost another baby AGAIN. I can't believe I am having to type these words out today. I can't sleep and my stomach is tied in knots. I just want to know what in the hell is wrong with my body to continually reject a life we both want so very badly.
I found out Tuesday CD 27, and immediately called my RE who had me come in for blood tests. I didn't even tell Blake until after the nurse had called me, I wanted to be sure. At dinner when we said grace and I prayed for many of you, then I added in thanksgiving for our new life growing inside me. He was so very happy, as he always is. We told our family after the nurse called with repeat blood work which we thought was a good sign (tuesday hcg 25/prog 28 and a repeat test on Thursday showed hcg 80/prog 27.7) My parents had just returned from a 12 day cruise in Europe and one of my gifts was a baby bottle of champagne from France, I smiled at mom and said, "maybe you should keep this one for awhile, I can't drink it hopefully for 9 months." My whole family upped the prayers.
Sew and I went to mass at Missionaries of Charity Thursday morning. THe last day of camp, I told one of the sisters about our previous 3 miscarriages and asked for her prayers. She smiled and said she already knew and they were already praying. She told me of a friend of hers who doctors said would never be pregnant. Sister gave that friend her first class relic of Mother Teresa to wear and now two babies later.....Sister said she wanted me to wear the relic. We stayed after mass, and she brought me her relic - I was so humbled to be able to hold such a priceless and precious gift. I put a ribbon on it, and have been wearing it since.
The nurse wanted me to come back Saturday morning since they test until the hcg hits over 100 and called that afternoon with a result of 118, not even 1/2 doubled. I had given this pregnancy totally over to God along with my worry and anxiety. Well after this call I lost all calm and immediately started googling non doubling hcg and was holding out for a miracle. Why not? I was wearing the relic, and I really thought a miracle could be worked in me. I clutched the relic all night Saturday and couldn't sleep AT ALL. I prayed and prayed and prayed for our baby not to be taken AGAIN.
We went Sunday morning and I waited in agony for the call. The nurse called right as I was walking out the door to new family open house at our school. HCG 35 repeatedly said she was sorry and to expect bleeding today or tomorrow and to come back Thursday to make sure levels zero out. I had to go to school and put on a happy face for new families and students when all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in bed with my husband, and cry myself to sleep.
I got home and he suggested going to have sushi and a beer so we went and sitting right beside us was a couple with the cutest little boy who keep smiling at DH, and I said will we EVER HAVE THAT????? He said absolutely. You have to have faith and believe we will. I feel that my body is a total failure. I wish I could be so sure.
I really believed this time would be different. I have been praying more, changing my life bit by bit, trying to make myself a more holy and worthy vessel to house life. I have been trying so hard to be healthier while not overdoing my exercise. I gave up caffeine and soft drinks months ago and spent a fortune on acupuncture and nasty tea and STILL THIS HAPPENS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I used the progesterone. I don't understand what else God wants from me.........................................What else must be in place before we are allowed our child and taken away from this most horrible, awful, debilitating pain of miscarriage.................................
I filled out new patient paperwork for Kwak-Kim in Chicago last night in bed. I will get my 500 pound medical records this week when I go back to make sure hcg is 0. I WILL FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
I am empty. I am broken. I am numb.