Monday, August 2, 2010

Another Miscarriage, our 4th

So we have lost another baby AGAIN. I can't believe I am having to type these words out today. I can't sleep and my stomach is tied in knots. I just want to know what in the hell is wrong with my body to continually reject a life we both want so very badly.

I found out Tuesday CD 27, and immediately called my RE who had me come in for blood tests. I didn't even tell Blake until after the nurse had called me, I wanted to be sure. At dinner when we said grace and I prayed for many of you, then I added in thanksgiving for our new life growing inside me. He was so very happy, as he always is. We told our family after the nurse called with repeat blood work which we thought was a good sign (tuesday hcg 25/prog 28 and a repeat test on Thursday showed hcg 80/prog 27.7) My parents had just returned from a 12 day cruise in Europe and one of my gifts was a baby bottle of champagne from France, I smiled at mom and said, "maybe you should keep this one for awhile, I can't drink it hopefully for 9 months." My whole family upped the prayers.

Sew and I went to mass at Missionaries of Charity Thursday morning. THe last day of camp, I told one of the sisters about our previous 3 miscarriages and asked for her prayers. She smiled and said she already knew and they were already praying. She told me of a friend of hers who doctors said would never be pregnant. Sister gave that friend her first class relic of Mother Teresa to wear and now two babies later.....Sister said she wanted me to wear the relic. We stayed after mass, and she brought me her relic - I was so humbled to be able to hold such a priceless and precious gift. I put a ribbon on it, and have been wearing it since.

The nurse wanted me to come back Saturday morning since they test until the hcg hits over 100 and called that afternoon with a result of 118, not even 1/2 doubled. I had given this pregnancy totally over to God along with my worry and anxiety. Well after this call I lost all calm and immediately started googling non doubling hcg and was holding out for a miracle. Why not? I was wearing the relic, and I really thought a miracle could be worked in me. I clutched the relic all night Saturday and couldn't sleep AT ALL. I prayed and prayed and prayed for our baby not to be taken AGAIN.

We went Sunday morning and I waited in agony for the call. The nurse called right as I was walking out the door to new family open house at our school. HCG 35 repeatedly said she was sorry and to expect bleeding today or tomorrow and to come back Thursday to make sure levels zero out. I had to go to school and put on a happy face for new families and students when all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in bed with my husband, and cry myself to sleep.

I got home and he suggested going to have sushi and a beer so we went and sitting right beside us was a couple with the cutest little boy who keep smiling at DH, and I said will we EVER HAVE THAT????? He said absolutely. You have to have faith and believe we will. I feel that my body is a total failure. I wish I could be so sure.

I really believed this time would be different. I have been praying more, changing my life bit by bit, trying to make myself a more holy and worthy vessel to house life. I have been trying so hard to be healthier while not overdoing my exercise. I gave up caffeine and soft drinks months ago and spent a fortune on acupuncture and nasty tea and STILL THIS HAPPENS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I used the progesterone. I don't understand what else God wants from me.........................................What else must be in place before we are allowed our child and taken away from this most horrible, awful, debilitating pain of miscarriage.................................

I filled out new patient paperwork for Kwak-Kim in Chicago last night in bed. I will get my 500 pound medical records this week when I go back to make sure hcg is 0. I WILL FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.

I am empty. I am broken. I am numb.

41 comments:

  1. Oh my word, I do not know what to say. I am so very sorry. I know that those words do little to console you during this terrible time but I want to say them just the same. I will pray for you and your little angels in Heaven.

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  2. I'm so heartbroken for you, Allie. I know how painful this is and am praying so hard for you.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this terrible pain again. I hope that Dr. K-K can help figure out what the problem is very quickly. I'm praying for you.

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  4. My heart is breaking for you, you will be in my prayers, as well as your husband and your precious child.

    Your husband sounds alot like mine! He was always so sure that our baby would come and I would just get so upset with my body for failing me.

    May God comfort you and enfold you in the warmest of embraces!!

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  5. Allie, I have been praying ever since I saw the yahoo post I was pretty sure was yours. I am so sorry for this devastating outcome, I was really hoping it would be different this time. :( I am so sorry and will continue to pray for you. What a blessing your dh is able to remain hopeful each time and even immediately after, he sounds like a great rock. I do believe, as you said, a miracle can happen and healing can take place so you can hold your little one one day, hopefully very soon.

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  6. Also, I have heard great things about Dr. KK and I hope this new direction will be it for you!

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  7. I am so very sorry to hear this. Huge hugs.

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  8. Allie - my dear friend, I just want to be there in person, to give you a hug, and do whatever it is that would help you through this time. I went to church this morning and just kept sitting there thinking about you and praying for you. I don't know why God is asking this of you. I have such great hope, that Dr. Kwak-Kim will be able to assist and to diagnosis and treat the medical issue that is preventing you from carrying to term. ((HUGS)). Peace be with you Allie and much love!

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing one, let alone four. You are a strong woman and I know that God has great things in store for you and your husband. Just continue to have faith and continue to trust in Him. I'll pray for you guys, especially that they are able to find out what is causing this.

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  10. I'm so sorry....I have no words just prayers....

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  11. I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

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  12. My heart is so heavy for you... I cannot believe that your cross is getting heavier to carry. :( I will pray for you - that God's will be done in your life and that you and your husband will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy.

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  13. My dearest Allie:

    I have been reading your blog but have not been commenting too much. Oh, how my heart is broken for you. I really did not think I could continue on the journey after my 5th miscarriage. I just gave up for years and years. But, then, I found the Dr. Kwak-Kim (actually Dr. Beer's work) and here I am with one baby and one on the way! MISCARRIAGES can be prevented! Their is a treatment for non-doubling HCG and you WILL be in very good hands soon. I know this does not take away the pain RIGHT NOW, but I want you to know I have total faith in your healing over this SOON. I mean it from my very core. So, glad you will be working with Dr. Kwak. She WILL get to the bottom of this once and for all! Love in Christ, JoAnn

    IF YOU NEED anything from me please ASK.

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  14. Allie I'm so, so sorry. This breaks my hurt and I'm hurting for you. I'll be praying...

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  15. I'm so so sorry Allie. Praying for you and your DH...

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  16. There are no words. I am so sorry.

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  17. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your husband tonight.

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  18. Allison I can't think of any words that can comfort you right now. Robbie told me earlier and I was devastated for you guys! I have been praying so hard that you would finally get your sweet little one. I will continue to pray!!! We are so sorry for you to have to go through this yet again.

    This is what gets me through every agonizing minute of this adventure:

    Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

    I am certain you were put her to be a mom!!! I can't fathom that you were and Blake aren't supposed to be parents. We love you and can't wait for the day that we can celebrate with you!

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  19. p.s. I live in the Chicago area so if you need anything/traveling here, let me know.

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  20. Allie,
    I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for healing and hope for you and your husband. I hope that you find answers from Dr. KK so that you are spared this heartache in the future. Take care of yourself.

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  21. Allie-- I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Know that you have my prayers.

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  22. My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  23. I'm so sorry. Your family will be in my prayers. I wish to death that there were something I could DO to make all this awfulness go away.

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  24. What terrible news. :( I'm so sorry. It is not fair that your heart has been smashed 4 times in one year. You will be in my prayers.

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  25. Dear Allie,
    I've been reading your blog for a little while now and felt compelled to comment after reading this post. I am so sorry. :(

    You and your husband are in my prayers.

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  26. You and your husband are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  27. You don't know me but I have been following your blog for a while, I found it because my husband also has a balanced translocation and we have experienced 7 miscarriages in a row, with no living children. I also have some of my own issues that could contribute to our losses (including MTFHR), but the balanced translocation is responsible for most, if not all, of them.

    Proverbs 30:16 talks about the barren womb never being satisfied, and I couldn't agree with this more. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your husband, and I am so sad that you are having to go through this...I remember my own pain and despair all too well after our 4th miscarriage, and I'm not sure how I went on to have 3 more after that. Without having any children, the grief is compounded - it's not just the loss of a child, but also a little hope is lost each time of ever having children, and more that I won't go into here, but I know that you know what I mean.

    I don't mean to bring you down, I actually wanted to give you a little hope...after my seventh miscarriage, I couldn't find anyone who had that many in a row without any living children and then went on to successfully have a baby without drastic medical intervention. As I write this, I am miraculously 24 weeks pregnant with identical twins...my doctors are all amazed, especially given the fact that my husband and I were preventing when we conceived, because we were adopting. No medicine, no treatments, just a big surprise.

    I am not telling you this to minimize your pain, but rather to hopefully give you a glimmer of hope. It is possible, and I know God is using you even now to reach out to others who may not know Him. But for now, it's ok to be empty, broken, and numb...you will be restored and made more whole than you ever dreamed.

    I know I'm a stranger, but our stories are so similar I just can't believe it...sometimes when I'm reading your posts I feel like you have somehow read my thoughts! I will continue to pray for you and follow your story, if you ever want to get in touch you can email me at chasingolives @ yahoo . com with the spaces removed, of course. No matter what, I will continue to pray for you.

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  28. I'm so sorry to hear this. I ache for you as I've been through the same. I'm a patient of Dr. K-K and am currently pregnant and it is sticking. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

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  29. my heart broke as i read this. i wish there was more i could do than pray...

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  30. Oh Allie, I know that 'I'm sorry for your loss' just doesn't cut it. There really isn't anything that can be said to make it feel any better. I wish just some of this made sense. It certainly isn't fair, but we already have figured that out, huh?

    Lots of love and prayers for you. I'm here if you need me.

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  31. Oh Allie...I am so sorry. I have no words that could possibly be of any help, but my heart is just broken for you and I promise to lift you up in prayer today at Mass.

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  32. Oh no...I have just found your blog and I am so very sorry for your loss. I have also lost 4 babies. Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you during this time.

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  33. How did I miss this post? My vacation made me totally behind. I am so terrible sorry! I'll be praying so hard for you.

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  34. You will be on my mind and in my prayers. God bless you sweetie

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  35. Oh Allie.

    Oh.

    Oh Allie, I am so sorry. I am SO SORRY.

    There's nothing else to say...

    I'm just. so. sorry.

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  36. Hey Allison, this is JoyfulRedhead from HP... I am praying for you today. (((hugs)))

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  37. And hey, p.s., this is the immunology support forum I participate in. May you'll find it helpful right now.
    http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/immunologysupport/

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