Sunday, May 16, 2010

Hysteroscopy results and Renovations pictures

This past few day have been a little rough emotionally for me. I realized Thursday while driving home from work with a million things running through my mind (grocery list, nursery list, pick up Gweneth by 5, then exercise with her in stroller, make dinner, do dishes, write/read blogs, maybe bathe before bed) that I am uber stressed. My doctor, mom, sister, friends, husband keep telling me to slow down I am so stressed but I honestly didn't feel like I was! I just have a very energetic personality and I don't know what to do with my free time. Well it was like an epiphany on Thursday that I realized it is no wonder I can't carry a baby with trains running around in my brain and body 24/7! I felt so helpless as there is not much I can do to "try" to quiet my mind though I can quiet my body. I have called about acupuncture which is quite expensive, and there is a class for 8 weeks offered (at a high $ :( I am sure) at my clinic which teaches relaxation techniques in direct result to infertility and rpl. It is going to be expensive, but I believe well worth every penny. Anyone have any luck with acupunture and pregnancy? My sister told me to look up journal articles to see if there have been studies done, but our clinic showed an increase from 22% to 48% (but it was an ivf study) I would think the results would be similiar though.

So Blake and I talked at length about getting my stress level down. He said we don't have to eat a nice dinner everynight! We can have sandwiches or take out sometimes. But I ENJOY cooking! I love to be able to provide something for him after a hard days work, and I take pride in my ability to cook delicious meals every night. I do think maybe I should try some easier things though and try to make leftovers to freeze which I usually do anyway since it is so hard to cook for 2. He suggested exercising 3 times a week and maybe to leave to dogs at home since my walks with them are hi hi hi stress! School is almost out and for the first time since I was 23 years old, I will be doing nothing this summer. Maybe this is the perfect time to ttc again during a low level of stress time for me. I have to believe there will be a pregnancy that is healthy and provides us with our healthy baby. Thinking of ttc all the time my mom says is a major stressor for me, but try as I might, I cannot quiet my mind about that. The thought envelopes me all day, everyday. Maybe I can fully and totally give it over to God and let the thought envelope Him. Probably can't do it, but I can try.

I had my follow up hysteroscopy appt Friday @ 3. It was with an intern who was every bit of 8 months pregnant. I was immediately upset though I tried so hard not to be. She asked if I wanted a copy of the pathology report. I was like patha who?? I thought part of the last baby was removed? Why was there a pathologist involved? It turns out what they saw on the camera during the hysteroscopy and removed was a polyp inside my uterus, not part of our baby. She said it was benign and that it probably did not cause my m/cs, but would likely cause another one in the future. I just wanted to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!! How do all these things keep growing in my uterus like fibroids, polyps, but a baby cannot???!!!! I do not understand.

Saturday my mother, SILS, nephews, and nieces went to the A Fair in the town square and the weather was nice, Blake gave me some cash for the crafts, and I was in somewhat good spirits. I bought an adorable blue birdhouse, some new cushions for my swing, and a frozen lemonade. We ran into a friend of my sisters with 2 children under 4 and a visibly pregnant belly. We chatted for awhile and they she said, "Well gosh girl, when are you are your sister gonna get on the baby train? Y'all should be having them by now!" I felt like I was going to pass out. Thank the Lord I was wearing big sunglasses to hide my tears. Mom patted my back and said, "Well Lillian, they sure are workin on it". You could tell she knew she said the wrong thing. But honestly what is wrong with people? If your are child bearing age and not pregnant or have children, then you are having problems getting pregnant, or having marital problems and not ready to have children, so why would you ask?! Then we ran into someone from our church who said she heard our beloved and so supportive priest is more than likely going to Rome this year. That just topped me off. He is the most amazing preist I will ever know. And know he may be leaving. I will not be able to handle that, he is such a rock of support and guidance for me.

This morning at mass our choir sang and I could barely get most songs out for crying. I shielded my eyes with the music and half sang the songs. Every little thing made me weep, every person I looked at I thought of their children or problems they had. One woman who has adopted 5 children only to get pregnant later in life with her own, another who has 2 teenage sons and had 2 twins delivered early and died a few years ago, another whose 3 month premature baby just came home from the hospital this week, another who is pregnant again, it would not stop. Then I kept looking at our priest and would start crying again. My mother even cried, and I kid you not that woman does not cry. She is a tough northern gal. After mass, one of the altar society ladies asked me when I was due. I lost it again. She felt so bad, turns out she heard I was pregnant last month and hadn't seen my to ask about me. She had no idea we lost the baby. I got in my car to leave and our choir director's husband asked if we wanted some of Fr.'s pastry books (he was a pastry chef and traveled Europe before becoming our beloved priest). Mom and I asked why and he told us that Fr. is moving to Rome. I couldn't handle anymore. If he is getting rid of his books, it is not a rumor, Fr. B is leaving and I cannot imagine our parish without him. Mom called me after I left the parking lot and said he is such a holy devout man, it is wrong to keep him here in our little parish. He is destined for greater things, and more people need to have the blessing to know him. We always said he would probably be Pope one day, and I will not be surprised one bit if he is. He is that extraordinary.

So this week to destress I am doing to following:
Exercising - Monday, Wednesday, Friday (maybe Sat or Sun)
Dinner - Blake is grilling chicken tonight for my parents and I and we are cooking enough to last all week. MOnday is chicken parmesan sandwiches and salad, Tuesday is Chicken and Brocoli wheat pasta with salad, Wednesday is Chicken Fajitas with beans, and Thursday we are going out to eat. This is so much easier than what I normally do and the meat will already be cooked!
Meditating/Prayer- I will attempt to start quieting my mind every afternoon when I get home from work with some meditation and prayer - this will be tough. I honestly believe if I can calm myself down a little bit between now and mid-June, maybe the next pregnancy will be a success. God knows I hope so.

Here are some house renovation pics. We still have our 9 pane door and cedar shutters and posts to stain and put up and new mailbox, but it is a work in progress. I am soooo pleased with the results! I have to find a picture of the house before I bought it. It was such a melon. Blake and I were dating and he literally begged me not to buy the house. LOL

Our front porch notice the angel I painted torquoise to match to birdhouse, swing cushions, and bistro table and chair. Everything look so dark before this splash of color.

Half of my perinnial sun flower bed, next month it will be bursting with color - I;ll have to post again later.

The bistro set I painted which will be moved to the front porch once the columns are wrapped in cedar and stained.

My favorite spot in my yard to "try" to relax. I usually manage a few minutes of rest there at least on the weekends while trying to thumb through magazines or reading blogger on my phone in the afternoons.

Our house!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hysteroscopy and EDD

Today is the day DH and I should be rejoicing in the hospital holding our bundle of joy. This was the pregnancy that lasted the longest and the most painful to lose. I have thought all day long about her especially during the Mary Crowning this morning with my school, and afterwards with my favorite class KB. There is the most adorable Chinese girl who is adopted by CHinese parents and she is the smartest sweetest thing, and I have gotten so much closer to her since contemplating adoption. I am crazy about her and look forward to hearing her EVERY SINGLE MORNING greeting me in the hallway on the way to my room, "Buenos dias Senora Baskin, como esta usted?" I answer, "Muy bien, gracias y tu? Como estas?" and she says back, "Muy bien gracias, y usted?" God love them. She doesn't realize she already asked me how I was and asks again. Ugh why does China have a 6 year wait. It makes my want to cry. Then another student was talking to another and I heard him say, "Duh she is too a mom, see she has a wedding ring!" I had to walk away and hold back tears. This is also the first year I haven't done something with my religion class for them to make for the mothers for Mother's Day. I tried to muster up some ideas and just couldn't.

So tomorrow morning at 9 I will have the hysteroscopy. I called my RE today to let her know I started today (if you can call dark spotting off and on all day) and if that is okay for the procedure. She said well she is doing a D/C so that doesn't matter. I was like what??!! A D/C??!! She said that she will more than likely do that once they get in with a camera to see what damage is there. She is pretty sure that there is also some "products of conception" (UGH that term....) At least I had a little, I was starting to really freak out that I had Asherman's so bad that my uterus was adhered together and nothing could come out, but luckily today I had a small respite.

So ladies, please offer up a small prayer for me manana, not only that the procedure goes smoothly, but that maybe this will be the fix I need to carry our next baby healthily.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Motherhood Fix/Renovations!!!

I had my precious neice and nephew Thursday night from about 5 til 10:30 and I so enjoyed my time with them. Sadly (and embarrassingly) I bonded with my nephew for the first time since he was born in September. He is one of our 3 nephews/neice that were born the same time our first should have been born so it has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to bond with them. I usually go straight for GiGi, his sister who is the light of my life. I get her every Wednesday sometimes Thursday from her babysitter which is around the corner and we take a long walk, eat dinner, sometimes bathe, and watch Calliou. She is so happy, albeit headstrong, and full of life. My mom says I was exactly the same way and maybe why we are so close!

But on Thursday, I made myself try to bond with her insanely precious little brother. I felt so ashamed I have not really even held him before for more than 2 minutes. I have never changed his diaper, I have never smothered him with kisses like I did with all the older nephews/neices. So I made a concentrated effort, which wasn't hard, he literally is the best baby in the world. He never cries, he plays, laughs, blows bubbles, and is seriously perfect. My mother keeps him everyday and she said he will sit in his exersaucer for hours laughing and playing while she works beside him in her secret garden. So I held him, played with him, and rubbed his face while he slept on my arm. I felt so happy but also so ashamed that I have missed such a beautiful opportunity - but I know that it is normal to avoid babies after miscarriage and I have had two in his short little life. So not only did I finally bond with this precious soul, but I got a Mother Fix if only for a few short hours...

On a different note, we are finally getting underway on our house renovations!! I bought our house while we were dating and we have already done so much, the house was built in 1961. Blake has been scraping paint for weeks and ripped off shutters and now it is getting painted this week!!! We are painting it "portabella" which is a dark khaki with vanilla bean trim. Brick and all will be painted! Blake made cedar shutters and bought a 9 pane glass window door that I have wanted forever. I can't wait to see it. My brother is doing the painting and he said they should be done this Friday. I am soooo worried about my flower beds. I am totally obsessed with my flowers and they will have to be moved and covered while the brick is painted. My brother said he will be careful - I am so worried about my climbing rose and Pope John II clematis! I will be all drugged up coming home from my surgery and see our glorious house. At least something to look forward to this week, I guess!