Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Blessed Mother Teresa Novena starts Thursday

As I posted a month or so ago, I volunteered at Missionaries of Charity this summer for 3 weeks at their urban youth camp and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. I knew of Mother Teresa and her work thoughout India, but had no idea the extent of her works until I spent some quality time with the Sisters. This Thursday marks the centinnial of her birth and the Sisters are having a novena with a mass said everyday for 9 days and a celebration after the 9 days. I sent Lauren @ Magnify the Lord Within Me the novena book after prayer buddies and we will be praying it "together" and for each other. I thought I would pass the information to you all as well. Obviously distance seperates us and we can't celebrate the masses together, however, we sure can pray together! So starting tomorrow, here is the information about the novena. Pray for us Blessed Mother Teresa!

Friday, August 20, 2010

A hopeful new start begins with a pilgrimage....

I have not been on the blogs much lately, I have been busy with school starting back, but also I just needed a break from thinking, reading, writing fertility or lack there of. I have to remember some really good advice an email friend gave me after our 3rd loss, "you are not defined by the ability to mother a child, you are more than that, don't let the struggle to have children dominate your life to where you have nothing left but that, take care and enjoy all aspects of your life." So I am once do just that.

My dear priest who was transferred to another parish in Memphis is the spiritual director of a pilgrimage in October. I wanted to go desperately, especially when I found out my good friend was going, but I couldn't justify the cost, time off of work, time off of ttc or keep a pregnancy, and time away from my husband. (dh attends mass with me weekly, but is not Catholic, rarely flies, and could not take the time off work). After this last miscarriage I thought about it again and again, but thought no because the required 2 months of normal cycles after a m/c will be over then and we can try again. I felt like God kept leading me to this trip and I could not push the idea away.

Just for the heck of it, I asked my principal what she thought of me missing 7 out of our alloted 10 sick/personal days to go on a pilgrimage. Without a drop of hesitation, she said to go. My mother said she would pay for 1/3 of the trip (the plane tickets) and still I was back pedalling and could not make up my mind. I asked for God to give me a clear sign if I was to go on this trip. Well I got that sign. At all school mass this Wednesday - the same day I prayed for a sign - the homily was about the parable of the pearl of great price. If there is something good and holy in your life, we should do anything in our power to get it and maintain it. Then the communion song was written by "bernadette" something. I was like, okay Lord, you've got me!

So October 9-19 we are headed to Fatima, Portugal. Then we travel through Spain to see Theresa of Avila's hometown, St. Ignatius of Loyola's town, the town of the first Eucharistic Miracle at St. Stephens church and on to Lourdes, France. I am so excited about this opportunity and glad I have something else to concentrate on besides sadness, disappointment, and what is wrong with my body. I cannot wait.

I had to go to my RE's office for a final hcg check to make sure it zeroed out and I asked for a referral to Dr. Kwak Kim's office and my medical records. I had faxed the form earlier. The nurse asked if I would please see the other doctor in the clinic who is the specialist in RPL before I went to Chicago. I got in with him 3 days later and we talked for over 3 hours. He was brash and a little harsh at times, but he is insanely knowledgeable and has his PhD in reproductive immunology. He tested me for a few more things: prolactic, tsh (not sure really what this is besides what I have googled) prenatal screen and chlamydia. I go back on CD3 for LH, AMH, and ovarian reserve test as well as another hysterosonagram a few days after that. I told him to treat me like his daughter. What would you tell her? What advice would you give her? He did say that he would not prescribe me a blood thinner even though I have 2 copies of MTHFR, both a and c hetero. I thought this whole time I only had a! I know Kwak Kim would give me that dang lovenox or heparin... But for insurance reasons, and convience (since this trip came up) I am going to put the Kwak Kim deal on hold. Maybe - I pray to God - this new RE can find a problem, and by damn, can fix it.

Monday, August 16, 2010

My first Prayer Buddy

This was my first go-round at prayer buddies. I was very excited to find out that my prayer buddy was someone whose blog I had never read before. I loved that I was going to get to "know" a new person. I enjoyed reading about her IF troubles, adoption troubles, travel, marraige, and more.

It was a honor to pray for Lauren, at "Magnify the Lord with Me" everyday. I don't know why God has chosen not to answer my prayers for her as her adoption did not go through, and I wish I knew. Maybe it was divine providence that she was chosen for my prayer buddy as we have both had 4 losses, and that she has such amazing faith through all of her disappointments. She has strength, faithfulness, and desire, and I know God will be blessing them very soon with a child.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask you to send your divine mercy upon Lauren and her husband.
I ask you to continually bless and enrich their marriage each day.
Give them the strength, faith, and hope that their prayers of having a child will be answered soon so that they can worship You in an even greater way, through the raising of a beautiful Christian son or daughter on earth.
I ask this in your most holy name, for ever and ever. Amen.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Another Miscarriage, our 4th

So we have lost another baby AGAIN. I can't believe I am having to type these words out today. I can't sleep and my stomach is tied in knots. I just want to know what in the hell is wrong with my body to continually reject a life we both want so very badly.

I found out Tuesday CD 27, and immediately called my RE who had me come in for blood tests. I didn't even tell Blake until after the nurse had called me, I wanted to be sure. At dinner when we said grace and I prayed for many of you, then I added in thanksgiving for our new life growing inside me. He was so very happy, as he always is. We told our family after the nurse called with repeat blood work which we thought was a good sign (tuesday hcg 25/prog 28 and a repeat test on Thursday showed hcg 80/prog 27.7) My parents had just returned from a 12 day cruise in Europe and one of my gifts was a baby bottle of champagne from France, I smiled at mom and said, "maybe you should keep this one for awhile, I can't drink it hopefully for 9 months." My whole family upped the prayers.

Sew and I went to mass at Missionaries of Charity Thursday morning. THe last day of camp, I told one of the sisters about our previous 3 miscarriages and asked for her prayers. She smiled and said she already knew and they were already praying. She told me of a friend of hers who doctors said would never be pregnant. Sister gave that friend her first class relic of Mother Teresa to wear and now two babies later.....Sister said she wanted me to wear the relic. We stayed after mass, and she brought me her relic - I was so humbled to be able to hold such a priceless and precious gift. I put a ribbon on it, and have been wearing it since.

The nurse wanted me to come back Saturday morning since they test until the hcg hits over 100 and called that afternoon with a result of 118, not even 1/2 doubled. I had given this pregnancy totally over to God along with my worry and anxiety. Well after this call I lost all calm and immediately started googling non doubling hcg and was holding out for a miracle. Why not? I was wearing the relic, and I really thought a miracle could be worked in me. I clutched the relic all night Saturday and couldn't sleep AT ALL. I prayed and prayed and prayed for our baby not to be taken AGAIN.

We went Sunday morning and I waited in agony for the call. The nurse called right as I was walking out the door to new family open house at our school. HCG 35 repeatedly said she was sorry and to expect bleeding today or tomorrow and to come back Thursday to make sure levels zero out. I had to go to school and put on a happy face for new families and students when all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in bed with my husband, and cry myself to sleep.

I got home and he suggested going to have sushi and a beer so we went and sitting right beside us was a couple with the cutest little boy who keep smiling at DH, and I said will we EVER HAVE THAT????? He said absolutely. You have to have faith and believe we will. I feel that my body is a total failure. I wish I could be so sure.

I really believed this time would be different. I have been praying more, changing my life bit by bit, trying to make myself a more holy and worthy vessel to house life. I have been trying so hard to be healthier while not overdoing my exercise. I gave up caffeine and soft drinks months ago and spent a fortune on acupuncture and nasty tea and STILL THIS HAPPENS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I used the progesterone. I don't understand what else God wants from me.........................................What else must be in place before we are allowed our child and taken away from this most horrible, awful, debilitating pain of miscarriage.................................

I filled out new patient paperwork for Kwak-Kim in Chicago last night in bed. I will get my 500 pound medical records this week when I go back to make sure hcg is 0. I WILL FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.

I am empty. I am broken. I am numb.