Thursday, December 29, 2011

Prayer buddy JBTC :)))

My prayer buddy this advent was so easy to pray for. Not only do I already pray for her everyday, but she is one of my dearest blog friends!! I already prayed for her, her dh, and her upcoming baby before prayer buddies so I added her intentions as well as a few things I thought she would need help managing after the baby came- like patience after no sleep and no anxiety over baby's health or having to return to work. It was such a blessing to be able to pray for our own beloved and much read JOY BEYOND THE CROSS!! I love you M and baby Elizabeth Marie is INSANELY lucky to be blessed with parents like you two. I will continue praying for you three daily :)

Thanks so much to my prayer buddy Gee at We have many similarities and though I haven't connected with her before, I look forward to reading her story!! She was so very sweet to send my babies some knotted caps pictures below. They are so soft and fit perfectly. She even made Mary Jacintas a tad smaller :) she also
made me a lovely scarf I look forward to wearing.

God bless you Marie amd Gee!

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Monday, December 12, 2011

FMLA - Family Medical Leave Act Questions, HELP??

Babies in their Christmas outfits :)

Benjamin's baptism (and Mary Jacinta's annointing with Chrism since she was already baptized in the NICU)

My last prayer buddy sent the babies these adorable pea pod hats - thanks again Kate!

I have such anxiety thinking about returning to work on January 3. I go to mass every Saturday night while DH stays with the babies, have been to Walmart once, Macys to get "big girl pants" for the babies baptism last Sunday, and to get my hair cut. Other than that, I don't leave the house and am completely happy to be holed up inside with my babies. January 3rd marks 13 weeks I've been home since we brought Mary Jacinta home on Sept 29. I used 1.5 weeks paid vacation, 2 weeks unpaid leave, and 8 weeks short-term disability pay for the c section recovery period and my school's Christmas break just coincides for an additional 2 weeks.

My question (and I pray someone knows the answer!!!) is this:
Am I guarenteed 12 additional weeks due to the adoption? The US Dept of Labor's website states FMLA leave of 12 weeks is granted for birth of a child, adoption of a child, military leave, to care for a sick relative. SO???? Can I take additional time off? Things will be T-I-G-H-T around this house without my return to work for 3 more months, but I know God will provide. These may be our only babies, and I want to spend as much time as possible with them! I will always have to work to provide insurance since DH is self employed, but under FMLA law, insurance is still paid by the employer during that leave. I am about to call our HR nervous!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Happy adoption day Mary Jacinta!!

In light of today being national adoption day, I thought I would share some pics of our precious jewel Mary Jacinta. How we love her and the beautiful gift of her adoption (which will be finalized December 21 at 9am!!)

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Monday, November 14, 2011

My sweet babies ;)

I haven't had any time to post, two babies are alot of work! My mom stayed for two weeks overnight and still comes most days so I can shower, eat, and brush my teeth ;)

We are doubly blessed and doubly busy - Mary Jacinta is a perfect baby so happy and rarely cries. Benjamin is still getting used to his surroundings and trying to get days and nights on track. He cries a bit more but is easily soothed and loves to be cuddled! DH and I are sleeping apart to be able to get any sleep- He has MJ is our room and I sleep and nurse Benjamin in the guest room otherwise we would both be up every hour! I have tried nursing her but after two months on a bottle, she is not able to latch, and her pedi said she needs the extra calories from the fortified preemie formula so I pump for her a couple times a day. She gets half formula half breast milk.

He is up to 8 lbs at 3 weeks and she is 6.4 at 12 weeks (4 weeks corrected age). They are just starting to notice each other lately, it is so precious to watch.

I hope to post his birth story soon while it is still fresh on my mind!

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Friday, October 21, 2011

Meet Our son!!

Benjamin Blakely Baskin born at 10:18 am weighing 6 pounds 13 ounces and 19 inches long. He looks like daddy to me :) God is so good!!!

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Baby number 2 coming todAy!

We are at the hospital c section starting at 930. Prayers please for a healthy baby and delivery!!

We are already missing Mary Jacinta, but anxiously awaiting Benjamin or Lucia;))))

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Our 3rd Anniversary

Today, 3 years ago, Blake and I were married on a gorgeous day at 11 am. We have been through the wringer for sure but through it all, we have become a stronger couple, more in love and stronger in faith. I am so fortunate to have found such a selfless, generous, hard-working, and kind man to be my husband! He is as wonderful a daddy as he is a husband too, Mary Jacinta is already being spoiled rotten :)

I am going to cook something special for dinner tonight. He wanted to go out to eat, but I am already leaving MJ for my ob appointment for a few hours today (mom is watching her) and I can't bear to leave her again right afterwards so.... I am going to pick up some steaks at a local meat market and make this recipe here with baby greens salad, loaded baked potatoes - soooo delicious!!

Happy Anniversary DH!!!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Mary Jacinta may be home this weekend!!

Our sweet baby girl is doing so well. Thanks for your many prayers, the ROP has lessened to stage 2 and the opthamologist thinks she will need no treatment! She is only bottle feeding, about 1.5 ounces every 3 hours, the breathing and feeding tubes have been removed, and she is in an open air big girl bed - no more incubator for MJ :)

The nurses all said that we need to bring her car sear for the car seat challenge test to see her oxygen and heart rate levels for an hour while she sits in the seat and if she passes..... She comes home!!!

I am so ready for her to be home, I can hardly stand it. 5 + weeks of daily 80 mile trips to the hospital are so hard especially being so tired all the time. I am really anxious about being responsible for her total care with no nurse around (although my sis and friend are nurses and live around the corner). She will have a monitor for several months and I hope I can keep myself sane when it goes off but I can't wait to have her HOME!!!!!

I am also worried financially since I will be taking an extra 3 weeks off without pay since my dd isn't for another 3.5 weeks but I trust God will provide!

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Monday, September 19, 2011

Prayers for Mary Jacinta please

Please pray for our little MJ, she has stage 3 ROP - Retinapathy of Prematurity. Stages 1-2 clear up on their own usually, stage 3 clears up 50% of the time, and 50% of the time goes on to stage 4-5 which can lead to blindness....I have my cell phone in my hand at all times today waiting on the opthamologist to call us back with more details. The only information we got about ROP was from the nurse practitioner who was looking up information in the book to tell us - which didn't make me feel like she knew much of what she was talking about. Of course I have googled it and made myself a nervous wreck thinking about what can happen if hers does not regress. He will come back this weekend to see if hers has progressed to stage 4 or regressed to stage 1,2. Please pray for out little MJ's vision. I was happy to find out the patroness of vision problems is Saint Lucy, and if this baby is a girl we are naming her Lucia and calling her Lucy, so maybe her sister is already praying for her eyes to be healed in utero!

We had our adoption shower Saturday night after finding out this news and I am so thankful we did - it helped keep my mind off the bad news and just rejoice in the adoption with our friends. They had two dogwoods - one pink, one white with money envelopes tied on the trees. We were so very blessed by so many wonderful friends who wanted to help us afford this adoption. (Sara, Ellen, Ashley, MOrgan, Shannon thank you so much for such a wonderful shower :)

The birthmom was there in her room Sunday when we got to the hospital and I was freaking out. They had not emailed or called to tell us they were coming like they usually do and I suddenly felt so possessive of her - I wanted to snatch MJ out her arms and run down the hall! DH and I have got to make some serious decisions and email them about what we are expecting to happen in this adoption. We have not been forthcoming enough about our wishes obviously in relaying them to the birth family. I hated feeling like that about my baby, I feel like we have been EXTREMELY compassionate towards them visiting and their feelings, but now it is coming at the cost of our own feelings. We wanted to let them come and visit when they wanted to especially since she is still pumping for MJ, but I want to know when they plan on coming and not be surprised when I come see my baby!!The nurses could tell it was an uncomfortable situation and came in, took MJ from the BM and repositioned her ECG and oxygen wires, asked us if we were ready to feed her, gave us the bottle and we got her out of the incubator to feed her. They still stayed for another 30 minutes and my heart was pumping the whole time. They finally left and we were able to enjoy a few more hours with her alone. They told her that she has more than enough milk there and they have run out of freezer space for MJ so she can pump and keep it at home, they will let her know when they need more. The nurse told us she has enough to feed a third world country right now! I just have to wonder if this is partly an attempt to keep latching on to MJ?? We can tell them not to come back at all if we want, but I feel guilty doing that too??

Anyone have any more information about ROP? I know the fact that she was born before 32 weeks, under 2.5 pounds, and is on oxygen are all major contributors to her contracting ROP.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Mary Jacinta is OURS!! (almost :)

Just now finding a minute to post our WONDERFUL NEWS!! BM signed the surrender papers on Tuesday afternoon at 5:30 so Mary Jacinta is ours!! Now begins the search for the birthfather which our lawyer and the family is not concerned about at all. He has most likely skipped the country and wants nothing to do with the baby. Finalization should be sometime in November/December, we are putting a rush on the legal process to make this princess ours forever!!!

MJ had to be put back on nasal oxygen tubes Tuesday but the nurses say this is no big deal and happens often. She was probably worn out from all her visitors Monday (us, my sister, brother, SIL, nephews, BM and her parents - awkward situation, more on that later....)so praying she'll be off the oxygen soon. She is weighing in at a hefty 2 pounds 11.8 ounces - from the original drop 2.5 weeks ago at 2 pounds. Praise GOD!!!

another picture dad??

Hi everyone!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Adoption not final quite yet and Baptism pic!

Our sweet Mary Jacinta, or MJ as we have been calling her is doing so very well thanks be to God. Her iv is gone, she is on room air at 21% with tiny tubing in her nose, she is up to 20ccs or 4 teaspoons of breast milk every 3 hours, and she has had no signs of apnea (when she quits breathing as alot of preemies do) and her brain scan yesterday was clear of bleeds. The nurses are all in love with her, as you can clearly see why in these precious pictures below, as are we. I asked DH last night if he thought he would be in love with our adopted baby as soon as he was. He said, "No, I thought it made take a few days, but it took me about a second." I feel the same way. We are so very blessed.

The birthmom has not signed the paperwork yet. We met last Thursday and there were a couple things wrong on the paperwork: her last name and the fact that we are not adopting a "well baby" they have to change it to a preemie who may or may not have developmental delays at some point. So we planned to meet Monday, but they didn't show up at the lawyer's office. I panicked, I sobbed, I was an emotional wreck. Our lawyer assured us she is not backing out or changing her mind. Her step father, who is the only one of them that speaks English, is running the show and he is scared to sign the paperwork until he hears from Medicare or Medicaid that they will be covering MJ's medical bills for the next several weeks. He is deathly afraid of being stuck with all her bills. I had the social worker call him to assure him that the adoption would not in any way discredit her from this benefit - it is a given due to her weight and the fact that the birthmom is indegent and has no insurance on the baby. He is taking the BM to the Medicaid office today or tomorrow to try to get an answer and then he said he is ready to sign.

I wrote our lawyer last night after leaving the hopsital saying that we are ready to sign NOW. I understand the stepdad's concerns, but we can hold the paperwork from filing, just get her name on the line. I should hear back from him this afternoon. I am so ready to tell my students and everyone that we are her parents officially!!!

The BM saw her once immediately after the C section, the day of discharge when she brought down breast milk for her, and also last Sunday when she brought more milk for her. I was concerned at first that she is pumping for a baby she is not keeping, but when we met last week she said she knows it is so important for preemies to get the antibodies from breastmilk and she wants to do this as long as we will let her. DH and I were a WRECK that day. We were all crying, all trying to make decisions for the best for this sweet little girl. DH and I want this adoption quite open now after spending so much time with BM and the family over the past week which is so strange when originally I wanted to adopt from Colombia because I wanted no contact with the birth family. She tearfully asked if we would be willing to send pictures and emails with updates as well as letting her see her maybe in the future. She emailed Sunday night asking for pictures of her baptism if that doesn't trouble us to much. I go from feeling sadness for her, to anxiety to have papers signed, to immense joy when we are with her every night in the NICU.

My sweet 1st grade nephew just brought me his journal entry to read. His teacher Sister Margaret Sue sent him to my room after she checked it as she knew I would love to see it. How precious?

Mommy, Daddy, and Tiny (as one of my best friends call her)

Our dear preist, Fr. B came to baptize her last week. One of the most emotional times of our lives! They gave her a gown donated by a sewing circle and we were able to keep it after the ceremony.

Awake before feeding!

My very favorite picture. She is everything to us!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Meet Mary Jacinta !!

Here she is - strong and fighting!! We met with the hospital social worker this morning and the BM told her to give us access so we were able to go to the nicu and see her alone. It was VERY emotional at first and shocking to see her so teeny tiny, but after the initial emotions and fear, we didn't want to leave. I didn't know I could fall in love so easily and quickly.

Her nurse and the nicu doctor said she is tolerating food very well, has good urine output, is breathing well, and we could expect to bring her home in 4-6 weeks! They said the don't foresee any serious problems and that she is very strong, she just needs to get bigger and gain weight.

They still are doing a brain scan in 9 days and said anything can happen but that she is doing extremely well, better than they expected before she arrived ( crying and breathing on her own straight outta the womb ;)

I'll update more later but thanks for the prayers and keep em coming!!!!! They are working!!!!

What about that hair!! Love it ;)

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Monday, August 8, 2011

Home study anxiety !!

After many days of gathering information for the home study like biographies, bank statements, IRS info, etc we are finally ready to begin the interviews that will allow us to bring our Mary Jacinta home!!

We also had some unexpected costs, dogs' shot records up to date and DH'S Physical to name a couple, but we are up and running with the home study! I turned in the mountain of initial paperwork, minus the fingerprinting and FBI background check that we will do this month on our own, and the social worker at a local adoption agency wrote me back today saying that Thursday was great for our first joint interview. I am leaving school a tad early and DH will meet me at the agency and I am NERVOUS AND ANXIOUS ;)

Calling all adoptive parents out there..... Can you give me an inkling of what the heck we are going to be asked? What do we need to be prepared for?

Any information is greatly appreciated ;)

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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Quick Takes

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1. We have a bountiful peach tree in our back yard and I have now used peaches every way to Sunday. Peach crisp, peach spinach salad, peaches and milk, you name it. I have to cut around the bugs in alot of them but have so many frozen for later and there are still about a hundred or so on the tree. Two weeks ago it completely fell over and DH had to prop and stake it. I hope we don't lose it over the winter :( Any other ideas or recipes for me?

2. Please help me! I sign into blogger and can comment on most blogs no problem but some won't allow me to or I have to comment anonymously. If I try using google id and sign into my account and comment again it redirects me back to the sign in page again. So frustrating! I want to comment on blogs and can't! Some I had trouble with are LITTLE CATHOLIC BUBBLE, A MARTHA TRYING TO BE MARY, ST RITAS ROSES. What is going on??!!

3. Just got back from the farmers market and bought them out of Cherokee purple heirloom tomatoes. I cannot get enough fresh maters in the summer. One of my all time favorite things.

4. We painted the nursery a pale blue and the fabric came in for the curtains. Mom and I are cutting them out and sewing them this week. Online they would have been about $230 but instead the same fabric cost me $44. Steal!

5. This past Monday marked the halfway point of my summer vacation and I don't know where the time went. We start back August 1st, earlier every year it seems.

6. BM wrote me back this week with great news. She said sorry for not writing back she had not been at home and that she was absolutely sure about giving the baby to us. She is only concerned about the medical costs not covered by her insurance (or rather her stepdad is) and kept referring the the baby as "LA BEBE"!! It's a girl!! We are so very excited and have chosen the name Mary Jacinta, after my sister and Blessed Jacinta Marto of Fatima. Before she emailed me I had talked to our lawyer who met with them the week before, and he said she was not changing her mind- but it sure felt awesome to get that email.

7. Ok I need some honest opinions here. Brutal honesty - no holding back, seriously.

We are blessed to have so many people who want to give us a shower. I was thinking about asking one or two of them to have a money tree shower for us en lieu of a traditional one to help us cover the cost of the adoption. We haven't saved enough though not from lack of trying! Now with the added medical costs we will have for the BM, I am stressing. Brutal honesty please!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

BM having a change of heart?

I hate to write about my sadness I am feeling right now when so many of you out there would do anything to be pregnant or have a possible adoption in the wings, and God has blessed us with both opportunities these past few months. But I am terrified the BM is backing off and possibly changing her mind.

I have been trying to be as guarded as I possibly can about the adoption, but my mind races and I start thinking ahead, and before you know it we had bought two matching cribs and put them up in the nursery. A little presumptious I know, but things were going so well or so we thought.

While we were at the beach L (BM) emailed us and told us the results of her 5 month appointment and that she found out the sex of the baby. She said if we wanted to know just email her and she would write back right away and tell us. She was in good health, enjoying her summer break with friends - swimming and resting. She said she would send the ultrasound picture to the lawyer's office again like the first so we could see the baby.

I didn't write back right away. 1) Because I usually don't write for a week or several days. I don't want to get in the habit of constant emailing then after the adoption slow it down and 2)I didn't want to be tempted to open her response without Blake who had to leave the beach mid - week to go back to work. I wanted to relish the news together so I wrote her the following week after my appointment. Like I said, I usually wait a week to write her back BUT SHE ALWAYS EMAILS WITHIN A COUPLE OR FEW DAYS. Today marks 2 weeks without any news.

So I wrote her again today saying that I hope you are doing well and that I only wanted to check on you. I don't know if you are busy with friends and resting, maybe you haven't been able to get to a computer lately, or maybe you are struggling with the decision of adoption. I don't understand what you are going through and I can't imagine the difficulty you face trying to make this decision, but only know that we pray for you and the baby every single day and whatever decision you may make. Please write me when you can and let me know how you are.

Our lawyer called me right after her last email and said we needed to get started on the home study and sit down with L, her parents, her guardian ad litem, himself, and us for a meeting and try to get as much done as possible before the birth of the baby since we are due so very close to each other. I emailed him last week asking about the date of this meeting and if he had talked to her recently. He said the meeting will be after the 4th of July with the "POSSIBLE" guardian ad litem lawyer and ignored my question of L. This leads me to believe that she is having a change of heart. The word possible was never mentioned before.

I know God knows what is best for us, but I certainly can't help my heart from breaking a little at the thought of what could be in store for us next. I only can pray that God help her to make the best decision for herself and the baby and for us to be open and ready for his plan.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Blogger Meet Up and 20 week ultrasound

While on vacation with my family in Fort Morgan, Alabama last week, I had the lovely pleasure of meeting up with Lauren and Abigail from Magnify the Lord!! We had planned to meet up for a day at the beach, but poor Abigail had a slight fever the night before so we decided to meet about halfway for breakfast the next day. They are both so cute and full of life - so fun to be around. Abigail let me hold her and her chunky legs are about the cutest I have seen :) It is always so much fun to meet other bloggers IRL especially when they are as enjoyable as Lauren and Abigail.

We had such an awesome time at the beach, as we always do. All but one of my brothers and sister came with their spouses and children. My parents and all of us stayed in one house across from the beach and DH and I laughed saying this will be the last relaxing beach vacation for a while, God willing, so we totally did nothing but relax 7 hours a day on the beach, in the water, or under the shade. I wish we lived closer to the ocean!

Our appointment yesterday went really well! I was a little nervous going in since we haven't had an ultrasound since the accident and the tech was the same on who scanned our baby at 14 weeks and found no heartbeat, but as soon as she put the wand on my belly I could see the beating heart and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. She couldn't see a couple things very well and she said this is no big deal, it happens often it only means we get another ultrasound next month :) We saw two arms, two legs, 4 chambers of the heart, fingers, everything except his or her little sex organs. She told us to look away when she did the lower body scan, but DH tried to peek at one point and he said he saw some little boy parts. I told him if he saw that easily in those 2 seconds, he needs to go to sonagram school! He was DYING, LITERALLY DYING to see the sex, so I finally relented and we emailed the birthmom back and told her we changed our minds, we want to know the sex of the baby - compromise - we will know the sex of one! My ob brought in a circumsision form to fill out and I freaked out but she said everyone has to sign this form, whether they scanned a girl or a boy.
Is this true?? Did you girl mommies have to sign this form?
We are meeing with our lawyer, the birthmom's "lawyer ad litem", and the birthmom sometime within this month. I am a NERVOUS WRECK!! Emailing weekly is one thing, but meeting in person is another. I am calling this week to schedule the home study (we do have to have an active home study to adopt), and we are working on the nursery and going to paint this weekend. Mom and I cleaned out closets, changed out the office into the start of a nursery, and the spare bedroom into a bedroom/office. I still have much cleaning and re-organizing to do. Missionaries of Charity camp starts next week, but my ob suggested just helping with the Bible camp, not the indoor pool field trips due to the heavy chlorine in the air. I am busier during my vacation than I am when working!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Adoption and Pregnancy Update

I have been MIA lately from the blog world, so much has been going on in our lives the past month or so. After the wreck, every free minute I had was spend googling cars and trying to find and sort out features of different cars. I LOVED my CR-V, but if we are going to have 2 babies in October, I knew we needed a little more room. After an exhuasted few weeks, we finally found an awesome deal on a used Honda Pilot about an hour and a half away. There is more than enough room, leather seats, navigation, etc., and I am in love with our new ride :) Once I finally had the car business figured out, I had to finish up grades for the year and clean out my classroom. Any teachers out there can sympathize with me about the stress of year end details of school. Our last day was Tuesday, and it couldn't have come soon enough!

I am really showing now - the belly literally popped out about 2 weeks ago, overnight. I didn't want to share with my students about this pregnancy. Telling them about the miscarriages in the past was almost too much to bear, and I want to be knee-deep in the pregnancy when they find out. THey will be surprised in August when I have a big belly, right? Several of my students in 7th and 8th grade started asking the teachers if I was pregnant and they just played dumb and said to ask me, but none asked me. One 7th grader, who is one of my favorites, said to th 7th grade teacher, "I have to ask you a question, but I am not really sure how to word it. Do you know if Mrs. Baskin is pregnant again, or is she just gaining weight?" LOLOLOL! My friend told him to ask me that question, but he replied, "I can't, because if she is not pregnant, I don't want to hurt her feelings." God love him...

Our baby started moving last week. (Or rather, I started feeling him/her move last week). I had just left 8th grade celebration and was downing some Wendy's when I felt a muscle spasm or sweep across my lower abdomen. I freaked out when I realized what it was, and everyday since then I look forward to feeling the movement and praising God for the miracle of life growing within me. I still can't believe I am in this stage of pregnancy: 19 weeks this Saturday, feeling movement daily, really showing now - not just looking like I ate one burger too much! I am also swelling alot in my ankles and lower legs even though I am walking, yoga, or on the eliptical 5-6 days a week and drinking a TON of water. My OB said this is normal in the south when it is so very hot and humid, but any ideas on how to avoid this swelling?????

The birthmom emailed me a picture of herself, she is so adorable and tiny, and YOUNG...We pray for her everyday, and pray to God that his will be done, but I find myself getting more and more wrapped up in this baby and the possibility of "twins". I try to keep a distance emotionally because I know she could change her mind, but I find myself looking at twin strollers, figuring costs of twin bedding and cribs, car seat, a home nanny, etc. She told our lawyer friend she is 100% sure, but I know there is still a chance she can change her mind. I called the county's social worker about a homestudy as well as the local Bethany office. The state social worker said she is almost 100% sure that the state of MS does not require home studies for private adoptions, and that we would just go before the judge with out lawyers and the papers signed and he could request one, but more than likely when all parties are willing and there are no issues, that is waived. Ever heard of this ???

She left her last ultrasound picture for us at our lawyer's office, and I couldn't leave school fast enough to pick it up. She has her 20 week major ultrasound tomorrow, and I can't wait for the email describing every detail, including the sex of the baby. We are not going to find out the sex of the baby I am carrying, but we want to know this one!!! I have suggested several times in email about the importance of her receiving some good counseling, but she never writes anything back to me about it. I told her I will find a Spanish speaking counselor, pay for it, whatever she needs, but she ignores this request. I know how important counseling is in this situation and I pray to God she will agree to go very soon.

I print every email out both from her and to her as well as the pictures and I am so excited that we will have all this correspondence for the baby to have from his/her birthmom in the future. We will have ultrasound pictures, details of her pregnancy, everything our birth child will have. It will be such an amazing blessing to have both, and such a testament to the power of God and miraculous waters of Lourdes if we are blessed with both babies in October.

I found out I will have to have a C-section due to my fibroid myomectemy possibly leaving my uterus weakened. The dd will be around October 21, and she is due on October 15! Seriously twins, God willing...

We leave for the beach tomorrow and I CAN'T WAIT!!!! Lauren, email your number so we can plan for a meet up, Awaiting, you too:)
So, advice on keeping swelling at bay?
Can adoptions be completed without a home study?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

My car totaled, bodies injured, but baby is ok

My car

the other car
Last night DH and I went to dinner and had too much time before "Water For Elephants" so we decided instead to drive down to the casinos which have been shut down and see the record setting MS River flooding. We picked up one of his friends and my BIL and headed west.

On the way home, driving about 60mph, we were hit full speed by a car who totally ignored his stop sign and I don't remember too much after that. I know I heard DH scream and I slammed the brakes and cut the wheel sharply to the left. We flew across a ditch and landed about 20 feet below all airbags deployed. I remember screaming asking to be forgiven - I knew this was the end of our lives on earth.

We stumbled out of my CRV (which is the best car if you have to be in a wreck it totally protected us) and I was so panicked about our baby. Not only did every airbag deploy, but my adrenaline was completely rolling and I was so afraid the baby was going to lose blood flow. DH was a nervous wreck and the car missed him by a foot or so, thanks be to Jesus' divine mercy, his arm and back hurt and he had some burning and bruising. My BIL went to the ER too to get his hip checked out since he was thrown to the front seat - he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Our friend had a hematoma swollen on his neck from the searbeat lock up but it is a TRUE miracle we are alive.

Our guardian angels were watching over us and protecting us every inch of the way. The cops and paramedics were completely amazed we were alive and that my car didn't flip all down the ravine. My sis and bf came and they said they thought we were seriously hurt or dead by the first sights on the scenes. My sis is a trauma nurse and knew the paramedic on duty. He is a doctor resident but works on the ambulance for extra money and experience and he strongly suggested I get taken to the ER in the ambulance and get checked out especially the baby. I tried my best to calmly pray the rosary and keep my breath even and slow. We waited until 11 for the ultrasound.

They wheeled me in around 8 and we finally left at four this morning. The doctor wanted a chest X-ray but I was too scared. He tried to give me loritab and claimed it was safe but again I said no. The ultrasound tech is the mom of one of my students and she was so great to us. She said the baby was fine and bouncing around with a normal heartrate and no signs of distress. ALL OF THIS ON DIVINE MERCY SUNDAY!! God is so good to us and is totally watching over this baby ;)

The man who hit us was illegal from Mexico and they ran his blood for alcohol and drug though they suspected he was sober. When DH climbed the ravine he was so angry and yelled at him screaming "my wife is pregnant!!! What were you thinking!!??" he was so sorrowful and crying and the paramedics said he prayed to whole way to the hospital and asked for a chaplain there. I asked my nurse to please let him know the baby was okay.

Today everyone woke up stiff and sore. I have severe bruising on my hips from the seatbelt and my stomach and neck are awfully sore. My chest feels like I was punched and it hurts to breAthe and sleeping was rough last night, but I can't stop praising God for saving us and our baby. It truly is a miracle.
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Friday, April 29, 2011

Prayer Buddy, NCEA, and Dopplers?

I had the priviledge this Lent to pray for Somehow, Somehow, Someway, Someday. I have been following her for awhile, and it was great to pray for someone whose history I already knew :) M, you didn't give me an intention, so I made my own for you - hahaha! I also prayed for your foster children and the direction and love you give them, I know how very fortunate they are to have you in their lives. Bless you M, your foster parent journey, and all other journeys you have in the future.

I am late revealing this because I was in New Orleans at the NCEA (National Catholic Educators of America). My principal asked me to go at the beginning of the school year and I was so looking forward to it, until a couple months ago when my nausea started. I have been feeling better bit by bit, and the food in NOLA definitely helped curb any nausea that popped up throughout the trip, I would weigh 400 pounds if I lived in Louisiana I bet. That food is AMAZING!!! The trip was great, we listened to some very interesting speakers, and the amount of people (especially all different orders of sisters and priests) was such a testimony to our faith and incredible to see.

I listened to one speaker on teaching the rosary to children. She said to approach it like a scrapbook - the rosary is basically Mary's scrapbook! Many children are familiar with a scrapbook or family photo album, right? We can teach them to follow Mary's family history scrapbook style! She also had such a cute activity to use with smaller children. Sit them in a circle and give them each a stone, a plastic egg, and a long piece of yarn in a circle for the group. Each child clamps the egg around the stone and the yarn and makes a bead. Afterwards, each child prays the prayer he or she is holding, so precious! (She suggesting two beads per children for most classes).

Another great speaker were Carmelite from Baton Rouge who presented "Bucket List: like Teresa of Avila". We wrote our own bucket list for the categories (physical, purchases, something fun, health, foods to try, hopes for the future) She called on random people in the group to answer and called on the "girl in the back with sunglasses on her head"(me!) to answer hopes for the future. I said through tears while a bit choked up that after 4 miscarraiges I am pregnant again and further along than I have even been before and I hope to have this baby. Several people turned and my face was so red. The speaker was so sweet, said to the group, "Let's lift up Allie in prayer and this new baby from God, allright?" It meant so much to me.

I posted before about wanting to buy a doppler to relieve some anxiety and reassure me of our growing baby, but our OB stongly discouraged it. She said if I couldn't find the heartbeat (and sometimes it can be hard if the baby is moving or the placenta is in the way) I would have to rush to their office or the ER if they were closed and the stress would be awful for the baby. She said she'd rather me go to their office any day and ask for the nurse practitioner or available doctor for a doppler check instead, but their office is almost 40 minutes away.....My cousin has a $500 doctor quality doppler she bought with her last pregnancy and brought it to my mom's for me while I was out of town. I am so tempted to use it, but trying to have faith, and I am afraid I may not find it, and I would panic. My next appointment is Tuesday at 2. What should I do?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Fatima Memories

I saw one of our fellow pilgrims to Fatima and Lourdes last night at mass. She and her husband were our favorite people on the trip to hang out with and eat meals with. They are originally from Sri Lanka and in their 70's, but you would never know it by their up and go. They seem more like 40 :) I told her I was pregnant and she was so excited and said she already knew because she had a vision of me and our baby walking together the other day and she thought I must be pregnant. She reminded me of one of our times spent together on the trip, and I realized I haven't even shared much of the pilgrimage especially anything about Fatima!

I think I mentioned before that Fatima totally made our trip. My friend and I were so stoked about going to Lourdes and that was the highlight of our trip, but once we were in Fatima, we felt like we were in absolute presence of Our Lady - more so than any other place on earth. We didn't want to leave there and I will definitely go back one day I hope - I owe a promise to Our Lady!!

While we were there, our saintly tour guide, Javier, told us about the "knee walk" on the marble walkway from the end of the basilica to the small chapel of apparitions. There is a local legend in Fatima that whoever prays the rosary while walking on their knees from the high point around the chapel (or inside the chapel three times if there is not a mass being said) will have their special intention and prayer answered by Our Lady. After the prayer is answered, you must come back and pray the rosary again walking on your knees in thanksgiving at some point. He had done it, and each time his prayers were answered (his son's request of meeting the pope, his mother's cancer cured). We asked Javier the best time and way to do the knee walk, and he told us to come find him after we completed our rosary. My friend and I decided to make the knee walk, but the only problem was that the marble walkway was constantly covered with people or all ages especially small older women, many of them crying their way through the prayers. We decided to get up very early on our last day. We were out there before the sunrise, and there were still many people on the walk. It took about 30 minutes or so and about halfway through it, we experienced searing pain. We prayed through the pain, and when we returned to our hotel room, our knees were blistered up with hanging skin and open flesh. We put some bandaids on our knees, but later Javier doctored us up with some ointment and told us to leave the skin open to heal. Kneeling at daily mass was not the most comfortable experience after that, the skin rebroke and rehealed daily. Well, needless to say my prayer was for a healthy pregnancy and baby, and if this pregnancy continues I will be heading back to Fatima to make the knee walk rosary in thanksgiving!

Another great memory which was brought back to me after seeing our Sri Lankan friends last night was when we burned our wax body parts. My friend thought this was kinda archaic and strange, but I was all over it!! We saw wax babies, heads, arms, legs, eyes, ears, feet - you name it - at every little tourist shop in Fatima. I decided to look for a uterus, although my friend thought I was kinda nuts. I went into a shop and explained to the lady about my history and what I was looking for and she handed me stomach and uterus/fallopian tubes. She said to pray to Blessed Jacinta for our baby and gave me a small paper laminated medal of my favorite picture of Jacinta. That night after the rosary my Sri Lankan friend, who suffered from a near death aneurism in her brain, came with her wax head and we walked to the fire pit near the chapel of apparitions. We prayed together and threw in our uterus, stomach, and brain. She told me last night at her last appointment her doctor told her the aneurism is gone and there is no need to come back to see him!!

This picture is of Saint Lucia's neice. Our guide said it was a rare treat that we got to see her, she comes every so often to the family home and sits under this shade tree near where the angel appeared to the children to say her rosary.

My friend made me a scrapbook (since my wallet was stolen out of my basket at kroger the day I returned with my camera picture card of Fatima) so I apologize for the smudginess of the photos taken with my phone from the book.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

updated :) Prayers please for my anxiety

All was well yesterday, thank you all IMMENSELY for your prayers, kind words, and support. Heartbeat fluctuations are completely normal she said - yesterday it was 175 at 11.2 weeks - and I promised her I would quit consulting google and just call the office when I am anxious and worried. Also normal is symptoms to lessen at this time. We go again Monday and after that it will be every two weeks. Thank you all so much for your prayers!!

First of all, I am so very grateful for this pregnancy and the successful progress God has afforded us this far. I have tried not to "Dr Google" as much this time and fully trust in God. I repeat the mantra, Jesus I trust in You. Jesus I trust in You. Jesus I trust in You. BUT...anxiety still gets me going every day, it creeps up and before I know it, I am sweating, heart beating faster, lose my train of thought while teaching.

I just read Sew's post and commented that everyone's body is different. I keep trying to remember that everyone's pregnancy is different too, but I find myself googling anyway and read some things that calm me down, then another that raises my blood pressure again.

Pregnancy symptoms at this week and I have not much in common, and that scares me to death, but I try to remember every pregnancy is different.

At about 10 weeks I had about 3 days where I felt sicker than I have ever felt, laid up in the bed sick, could barely work sick, but I felt so secure in my pregnancy so I was happy. Since last Saturday I have had minutes or maybe even an hour or two of nausea but it gets less and less with each day. I still can't eat certain foods (last night I had to eat boiled shrimp and baked potato though everyone else ordered fried platters and crawfish dips), and I can't eat as much as I used to eat especially at dinner where I used to gorge myself.

I am contantly pressing on my boobs to see if any tenderness has returned, they are only slightly sore now. Last week I had to hold my arms over my breasts one day because the shower water felt like needles stabbing them, and the towel had to be gently patted on them when I got out of the tub. I don't see any real increase in size since a few weeks ago either.

I am sooooooo energetic by nature, like the energizer bunny really, so fatigue hasn't really been an issue for me like it is for most people.

My clothes are a little tight, but I have only gained about a pound and that could be water weight. I am 11 weeks today. Shouldn't there be a pooch?

I haven't been constipated really and have had slight cramping this week.

I didn't post this on my last update because I was scared to voice my concern, like maybe if I didn't write or talk about it, it would go away....but our last appointment which was not quite a week after our last appt with our RE showed a heartrate of 148 or 142, I can't remember which. The last RE appt showed a hr of 175. That is one heck of a drop, huh?? I know it peaks around 9 weeks and then starts to gradually decrease, but it worries me because 30+ points doesn't sound too gradual to me. It should be around 120-160 starting around week 12. There is little information I can find (medical info, not chat forums) about week 10.5 heartrate normalcies. I called the ob's office and the nurse said it was a good heartrate, they look for anything over 120. But why do I have this feeling of fear? I know with my history this is normal and most RPLers go through this, but I can't help but think back to October 09 when I called the doctor to tell them I was concerned that my symptoms disappeared around 10 weeks. They said this was normal, I was at the end of the first trimester and not to worry. 3 weeks later, we realized there had not been any growth since 2 days after our last appt at 9 weeks.

I am heading to prenatal yoga in a couple of hours and I hope to shake off some of this anxiety and try to relax and trust in Jesus. Please pray for our appointment on Monday afternoon.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Spring is around the corner and update

We were blessed with some seriously beautiful weather this weekend, and we enjoyed every minute of it! I had been feeling very nauseated all last week and Friday after school I was on the couch until bed. Like I said in a previous post, I don't mind the nausea for one second because I feel like my hormones are actively working and doing what they should be doing. I am happiest when I feel the worst.

Saturday I felt great and we were able to work in the flower beds all day. We went to the nursery and bought 2 more memorial roses to plant in our side bed, we originally wanted a tree, but have nowhere to put a tree and settled on roses instead. I weeded all the beds, DH went to get mulch, and we planted our new roses, dahlia, coneflower, lavendar hybrid geranium, and delphinium. We thinned out the existing perinnials and moved a couple existing plants, watered, and stepped back to look at the beauty. Only a few things make me happier or prouder than our flower beds :) The side flower bed picture will be more beautiful in a month or so once the peonies, roses, and other flowers bloom, dont worry - I am sure I'll post again in all it's beauty!

We went to our regular ob appointment today. I was more nervous than usual walking into an office full of so many sad memories and wished we were back at the RE's office. My ob was reassuring and said I could come in weekly if I wanted to and have the nurse practitioner use the doppler to help us breathe easier. She said I would not be coming back after today until a month or so. I know she could tell I was a nervous wreck. We were able to have a belly ultrasound which was a major turning point for us, I have only had vaginal ultrasounds in the past. By LMP I am 10w2d, but by measurements I am 10w5d. We are now officially past the point of our furthest pregnancy.

She said there have been Reproductive Endocronology studies done on TLC care where a patient is able to see the doctor more frequently and as often as she wants or needs to come for ultrasounds, etc. She said for me to come again next week instead of waiting a month. I was elated but on the way home started wondering if there was something she saw on the ultrasound that made her change her mind, or is she really just trying to give me TLC care? I have to trust in God and believe the latter. + + +

I finished the letter to the young girl who is pregnant. I emailed it to her and it was returned, invalid email address, ugh after all that stress and fear to push send! I emailed my friend and he is going to get me her correct address. We are still very interested in adoption also, but our social worker says she does not advise we follow both routes. There could be consequences of having to "explain" the artificial twin situation. However, we are praying about it and hope God will say yes to both babies in October.

Thank you all so much for your prayers, they mean so very much to all of us. This community is amazing and it continues to surprise and warm my soul.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Baby Baskin 5 (and maybe 6?)

God has blessed us again with our 5th pregnancy. As many of you can imagine, I have hesitated posting this news because of our history of miscarriage, but according to my RE, our chances of delivery are as high now as they will be in any other time during this pregnancy so I wanted to share our news. Today I am 7.3 weeks.

I found out 3 weeks ago last Saturday - (I can't believe it has only been three weeks, if feels like 3 years). I had our adoption application ready to be mailed that day, and I had to take a test to see if I needed to stop the progesterone. I really didn't think I would be pregnant. I was so happy with our decision to adopt and was so looking forward to attending the March orientation weekend if we were accepted in time. It was stong positive and my stomach felt like I had been sucker punched. I was instantly a bag of nerves.

My first hcg at 14 dpo (or there abouts, I didn't take opk test that month) was 434 and 2 days later was 1067. Good start, but I was still so nervous I went back a few days later for another hcg check to ease my nerves. The number was 15,500 and should have been about 8,000 doubling every two days. I had a panic stricken couple of days before the first ultrasound and just knew that they were going to tell me it was not a viable pregnancy. I had my poor DH upset, I told him I knew it was so - my queasiness had slowed down, there was no more breast tenderness, I just knew it. But in my defense, when you have been through this 4 times, it is hard to hope for the best. But the ultrasound showed a baby measuring 6.3 weeks and 128 heartbeat and that night nausea came back with a vengeance. Since then I have been very nauseated, but I am not complaining because when I feel sick, I don't worry about miscarriage as much. When I have an okay day or several hours without feeling sick, I worry - so I gladly take the nausea throughout the day, though it seems to be worse in the late afternoon/night. There is very little I want to eat but I can't get enough fruit espcially pineapple and cranberry limeades from Sonic. My breast tenderness comes and goes, some days are worse than others. I have taken a few naps, but I am not terribly tired. I was going to the bathroom every few minutes, but that has slowed down a bit too. I do have insane acne over the past week suddenly have some dryscalp/dandruff??? Apparently a sign of pregnancy due to overactive hormones.

Our appointment yesterday showed the baby with a heartbeat of 156 and measuring at 7.4 weeks. The tech pointed out the brain starting to develop and the umbilical cord. I was worried the baby was measuring two days more than my actual time, but the tech said there was no need to worry, sometimes they experience a slight growth spurt, and they only worry when the spurt is 5 days or more. I can't lie and say I am not still worried about that and dying to consult DR. GOOGLE, but I am not giving into it. I am putting this pregnancy in God's hands, and nothing google spits out will change that.

My RE said last week with the measurements, heartbeat, poisitioning of the embryo my chance of delivery at that point was about 70%. After this week's ultrasound, we were bumped to the mid-high 80s% and he said my odds will never get higher than that during the pregnancy so we decided to tell more than the close circle of friends/family we had already told. We will continue with weekly ultrasounds until I get to the point of our furthest pregnancy which was 10 weeks . God willing all goes well until 10 weeks, he will release me back to my regular obgyn.

And now for possible baby 6. Right before the knowledge of this pregnancy, I had contacted a high school friend who is a lawyer locally. The lawyer we met with would only be able to help us with an adoption in TN, so I contacted my friend who practices in MS. He called a few days later with news of a possible pregnancy situation. A 17 year old high school girl from Colombia (where we originally wanted to adopt from!!!!!) was contemplating adoption. She is 10 weeks and he met with her mother and step father weeks ago. He then met with her a couple days ago and told her about DH and I. She is only 10 weeks and has no one to talk to besides her mother and they argue and fight when they discuss the pregnancy. She has limited English skills and is in a local high school and knows that she has a lot of life in front of her and is scared to parent. The baby's father is out of the picture due to legal issues, and wants to meet us! My friend suggested she speak to our priest friend who speaks Spanish to get some guidance and advice. I am going to write a birthmom letter with a picture and would love to meet her after she receives some counseling from Fr.

Am I crazy?? I could possibly have twins seperated by birthparents and a couple of weeks. Could I do this? I am letting God lead me.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Quick Takes

1. This picture is of my neices and nephews minus one, who had already fallen asleep, last weekend at my house for a pizza party. What a fun, chaotic night that was! The oldest and youngest neice spent the night and we slept on the pullout sofa together and had pancakes on Saturday.

2. I mailed our paperwork (preliminary app) to Abrazo Adoption Associates in San Antonio, TX on Tuesday!

3. The orientation weekend required for new parents is March 18 and 19 and another one is not until the end of June so I hope we know something in the next week so we can book a flight :)

4. My 6-8 grades students have just learned to speak in the future in Spanish, and I am sooooo proud.

5. I just bought another medal for my necklace (St. Catherine) and now have 5. Mom says if I fall into a lake I may drown -haha

6. I am using one of the yoga passes my sister gave my for my birthday today at Midtown Yoga and I am excited! My gym quit offering classes and I have really missed it.

7. If anyone of you reading this has a iphone and is as addicted as I am to WORDS WITH FRIENDS, please search for me under AllieBaskin and let's start playing together!

Monday, February 14, 2011

The very best February 12 in a long time....

Saturday was my 36th birthday, and it was fabulous. I was spoiled T rotten by so many people and I relished every little bit of it :)

This is the first birthday is 3 years I haven't been:
A) going through a miscarraige or
B)hearing from a doctor that I was more than likely going to miscarry

And we got the letter from my RE on Saturday morning, what a present it was!! It states that "it is very unlikely that I will ever deliver to term". I was so estatic to recieve the letter and thought to myself, "I never would have thought in a million years I could ever be skipping to these words! We are ready to apply with Abrazo now. I hope to have the application finished and mailed by Friday. (the pre-application actually and they will look it over and send the real application a few weeks later)

So just the fact that I didn't have to go through any of that this year was a welcome birthday present. My husband had a bubble bath running for me in a bathroom lit by candlelight and glass of wine poured on Friday when I got home from the Parent's Appreciation Dinner at my school. He knew it was a long day and that bath really took it all away....

Saturday my best friend came in town for my birthday from Little Rock. Mom, DH, and I went to a special annual healing mass at St. Ann's and we were all annointed and layed on of hands. There was a song version of Divine Mercy which was so very beautiful and the bishop presided over the mass which is nice, we rarely see him celebrate the mass. We had breakfast at Cracker Barrell and went home to get ready for dinnner. My sis, BIL, other best friend, DH, and myself went to eat sushi and see a movie. I was showered with such great gifts: yoga passes and yoga clothes, Glee season one, a photo book of Lourdes and Fatima from my friend with whom I went, Mary and Jesus statuette, new chain for my medals, pearl necklace, and some cash :)

I feel like a fattened calf before the slaughter.

The family birthday at mom's I almost couldn't breathe I ate so much. Have you ever had chicken tetrazinni from scratch? I can't put into words the deliciousness of that recipe. I have it every year and really was a glutton this year. We had caramel cake, salad, asparagus, and a couple glasses of champagne.

And now today I have student after student bringing me candy and treats for Valentines Day. I need an enema and detox diet asap, but we have dinner for my birthday at my inlaws tonight (fried chicken, fried okra, etc) I need to eat broth the rest of the week and do power hot yoga 3 hours of every day!

Happy Valentines to you all! DH and I exchanged cards this morning at 6:30 and are going to get a memorial tree to reminds us of our sweet babies this weekend since the weather is supposed to be so nice. I think we decided on a red bud, so gorgeous in early spring.

What did you exchange with your sweet DH?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Happiness and Bitter Honesty


Yes, for the first time in a very, very long time - a year and a half - I am truly happy. And I don't mean I have had a good day here and there or even a good few days. I have had a good couple of weeks!!! I am crying tears of joy as I type this is realizing the amazing healing power of GOD. Maybe the Lourdes water will not heal my broken womb, and for the first time, I am totally OK with that. I think the water has healed my broken spirit and mind, and that to me is worth so much more! Feeling the way I have for the past couple weeks, I feel like I can go through anything with better focus, clarity, and hope for the future!

This is not to say that I will not be devastated if we suffer another miscarriage, but I have the tools to suffer it better now. Christ has strengthened me in such ways and healed my poor fragile and beaten spirit. I am so very grateful and pray this feeling never leaves me. I feel like my emotional health has been to rehab and back, like I have been vacumned out, and restuffed with rainbows (and no, I am not on any type of medication, lol!)

I know the fact that DH has finally consented to adoption has made all the difference. The meeting with the adoption lawyer solidified our journey last Thursday and although I was shaking like an addict in detox the whole meeting because it was finally so real to me, I was undeniably happy! The fact that we are pursuing adoption GUARENTEES us the baby we so long for. In the past I knew that each subsequent pregnancy had a smaller chance of making it so each dream of becoming a mother became smaller and smaller as well. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be a mother and this makes me incredibly happy! It is a GUARENTEE, do you hear me?! :)

I had a luncheon yesterday with my support group, Crossheart Ministries, and the picture is part of the way they honored our babies. It is so AWESOME to get together and talk to women who have lost babies and are trying to rebuild strength. This month at the meeting I hardly cried, and normally I am a blubbering mess. One of the women from the group told me I seemed to be doing really well, and said she had been nervous to tell me she was pregnant but since I seemed so much better.....I hugged her with all my strength and for the first time in awhile, I felt truly happy for her. I remember when Ann announced her pregnancy I was so happy for them, and it has honestly been that long since I have felt genuinely happy for someone else.

I am going to be brutally honest here. I know you will probably think I am awful, horrible, and more, but I told Fr. H in confession yesterday that it was the first time someone announced they were pregnant and I didn't get a vomit heat rising sensation in my stomach and step outside myself and see myself having a melt down screaming, kicking, crying. I know so many people are really happy for others pregnancies in spite of their own problems, but I WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I was the insanely jealous, trying desperately to hide my immense sadness and envy woman. I am ashamed at the way I felt, and tried - I mean really, really tried to work through these feelings and change, but I coundn't.

Now that I know we WILL have a baby, I don't feel that way anymore.

God, thank you for changing my husband's heart to accept the miracle of adoption which in turn has changed my heart as well!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Social Worker Appointment

So.......we met with the social worker last week and she gave us some good suggestions and advice. She asked when the last miscarraige was and I told her August - she said, " we needed to wait a little longer before we start applying because we are probably not emotionally ready, the last loss has been too recent. We also need to start start saving and really be emotionally ready. Adoption chooses you, not the the other way around. It is hard to mix a baby hungry IFer or RPLer with tunnel vision for a baby with a scared-to-death-trying-to-make-an-unselfish-decision mother with a good outcome. We need to be completely ready so we can make the connection with a birth mother and not have such a sense of urgency that we end up scaring her more".

She suggested several books for us to read and to make an appointment with a local adoption lawyer that she knows to be a good Christian man and lawyer. We are going this Thursday at 4 for a free consultation at his office and she said he will give us even more advice and help. She wants us to come back in a month when we have sorted through all the information and make some solid decisions, so that is where we are at this point. Researching, planning, talking, and praying.

The cost can be lower with private, and the wait time shorter, but there can be more risks. I still can't believe it costs that much, but in the end, it could cost one million and it would be worth that one healthy baby!

Most of the adoption agencies are run by religious groups and they place babies with couple from thier own denominations first. There are 5 major agencies around us and they are supported by Church of Christ, Methodist, Evangelicals, Jewish, and of course, Catholic Charities. Sadly, Catholic Charities only placed 1 child last year :( I found a Catholic agency up north in St. Paul, Minnesota JBTC, do you know of Holy Family Adoptions? I emailed them and they haven't written back and thier website is vague at best. Another agency the social worker gave them thumbs up on is Abrazo in San Antonio, TX.In order to apply you must have documented infertility from your doctor, and I am calling the office tomorrow to ask him to write me a letter stating our problems.

So here's to Thursday and hopefully some more good information!

Any advice on other agencies to try? We have researched Gladney, Bethany, Abrazo, and a few international agencies. Thanks to all of you who have advised already (Ann, Barbie, and Lauren :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

0 for 2 after Lourdes and adoption consulting

Well, I tested yesterday morning on P+13 with an "early response" test and it was negative again this month. I have to test early so I know to stop the suppositories so my cycle can come on through. So I am 0 for 2 after being cleansed in Lourdes. I am not losing hope, however we are continuing on with adoption. Even if and when I do get pregnant again, it will be a time full of anxiety and nervousness. Another I am not being negative - just practical. Like Ann said in her latest post, that is the difference between IFers and RPLers. IFers are estatically elated and thrilled when blessed with a pregnancy and RPLers are in full panic mode. Such is my life. Even adoption can be peppered with what some people call, Recurrent Adoption Loss.

BUT......surely with us still trying naturally and trying to adopt as well, we will be blessed with a child soon.....

We have a meeting with an adoption consultant in Memphis Tuesday at 4. She charges $150 for about 2 hours of information. I know this is something that I can do on my own after much time and research, but I would rather pay the money and have all the options laid our for me. She tells the pros and cons of working with agencies, lawyers, domestic, international, everything. So this is step one in a long process but we are ready.

And God is already blessing our journey financially! My mom called this week to ask me if I had the silver quarters my Nana gave us years ago. I told her I think I sold mine to my uncle for extra cash in college but she said she found a bag of them in my dad's closet with my name on them. So I called my uncle and it turns out I had sold him a gold piece that I found when cleaning out her closet and she let me keep it. So the quarters are mine!!!! Dad totalled them up and said they are worth about $2,600 yesterday when silver was at $28 an ounce. My uncle said to find out what they are worth and he will pay me more than they are worth. So we will have about $3 K to start our adoption process! (sometimes I think we could use that to pay Dr. K in Chicago instead of adoption, but for some reason I feel more called to this path).

Pray for us on Tuesday to be able to discern all the information and make a solid choice together which path we should take in adoption!

Also as far as cycle news, something weird happened this month that has never happened before. On CD 14 about 6 hours after a positive LH surge, I had pinkish brown spotting. I freaked out but thought maybe it was some type of ovulation spotting??!! Please let me know if this has happened to you before or if you know anything about this??!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Coping with unexpected announcements

After the negative test on Christmas Day, I found out three people we are very close to are expecting - none of which I was expecting and it threw me into a tailspin. One of them was my dear cousin who is still in college and not married. We are so close and she wrote me an email explaining how sorry she is to be causing me so much pain and sadness. She hoped that I will not be too mad and upset with her. She thought of me as she as she realized she was pregnant and was so afraid to tell me. I was so upset with myself after reading this letter. Do people really think this way about me? That I would be "MAD" at them? I felt rotten. I wrote back saying of course I am jealous, that is just a fact, and I always will be jealous until we have our own child. I am not "MAD" at you. I am just jealous and disappointed with my own body failing me. It is something I am starting to work on. Pray for me as we pray for you. (of course there was much more, but that is the gist of it).

I have been trying to manage my emotions for the past few weeks and have started seeing a therapist. At first I was too ashamed to go, I thought I could handle my feelings between myself and my God. But I have come to realize that many, many people see someone to help them through rough times in their lives and for $25 co pay each visit, why not try to work through some of these negative feelings? I have only been once and go again tomorrow, but she has already given me some good advice:
  • keep saying "I WILL have a baby. If you truly want to be a mother, you will be whether by your womb or adoption.
  • take your negative feelings and harness them into something positive. Start seriously researching adoption, remember, you WILL have a baby.
  • invite anyone you feel has not been there for you like you would have liked to lunch. Explain to them that you need them to talk about your babies with you. It is too hard when you feel it is ignored, but remember it is most likely because they didn't know what to say and didn't want to upset you by bringing it up.
  • take time each day to grieve about your children and try to grieve only then if you can.
  • stay connected with my support network. I have you all of course :) and I have been involved with Crossheart Ministries for the past few months. This is a wondeful ministry that sends care packages after losing children and we meet once a month to cry and pray and share. We have a catered luncheon the first week in February with a guest speaker who wrote a miscarriage survival book. These women are amazing.

So, I have truly put my energy into adoption. DH is finally on board and I have emailed and researched my fanny off. We are between domestic (his first choice) and international - Colombia (my first choice, you can adopt an infant there). I am sure we will not be able to affort Colombia, but I want to meet with the agency anyway. You must live in Colombia for 2 months or more waiting to finalize everything which brings the total cost to around $35-$40 K. He wouldn't be able to stay there that long, and honestly, it would be hard with my job too. I wouldn't be afraid to live there - my mom, sister, and bfs would come alternating trips they have already said. I have thought of countless fundraisers I can do to help the cost like 5Ks, cooking really nice dinners once a month and charging like a restaurant (my aunt's idea), and more. It has turned some of my negative energy into positive.

I got a new haircut, starting back my healthy eating after a brief 3 week hiatus, continuing my exercise, and now working with someone to clean my mind of negative feelings and thoughts.

Early self spring cleaning at this house.