Sunday, February 6, 2011
Happiness and Bitter Honesty
I. AM. HAPPY!
Yes, for the first time in a very, very long time - a year and a half - I am truly happy. And I don't mean I have had a good day here and there or even a good few days. I have had a good couple of weeks!!! I am crying tears of joy as I type this is realizing the amazing healing power of GOD. Maybe the Lourdes water will not heal my broken womb, and for the first time, I am totally OK with that. I think the water has healed my broken spirit and mind, and that to me is worth so much more! Feeling the way I have for the past couple weeks, I feel like I can go through anything with better focus, clarity, and hope for the future!
This is not to say that I will not be devastated if we suffer another miscarriage, but I have the tools to suffer it better now. Christ has strengthened me in such ways and healed my poor fragile and beaten spirit. I am so very grateful and pray this feeling never leaves me. I feel like my emotional health has been to rehab and back, like I have been vacumned out, and restuffed with rainbows (and no, I am not on any type of medication, lol!)
I know the fact that DH has finally consented to adoption has made all the difference. The meeting with the adoption lawyer solidified our journey last Thursday and although I was shaking like an addict in detox the whole meeting because it was finally so real to me, I was undeniably happy! The fact that we are pursuing adoption GUARENTEES us the baby we so long for. In the past I knew that each subsequent pregnancy had a smaller chance of making it so each dream of becoming a mother became smaller and smaller as well. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be a mother and this makes me incredibly happy! It is a GUARENTEE, do you hear me?! :)
I had a luncheon yesterday with my support group, Crossheart Ministries, and the picture is part of the way they honored our babies. It is so AWESOME to get together and talk to women who have lost babies and are trying to rebuild strength. This month at the meeting I hardly cried, and normally I am a blubbering mess. One of the women from the group told me I seemed to be doing really well, and said she had been nervous to tell me she was pregnant but since I seemed so much better.....I hugged her with all my strength and for the first time in awhile, I felt truly happy for her. I remember when Ann announced her pregnancy I was so happy for them, and it has honestly been that long since I have felt genuinely happy for someone else.
I am going to be brutally honest here. I know you will probably think I am awful, horrible, and more, but I told Fr. H in confession yesterday that it was the first time someone announced they were pregnant and I didn't get a vomit heat rising sensation in my stomach and step outside myself and see myself having a melt down screaming, kicking, crying. I know so many people are really happy for others pregnancies in spite of their own problems, but I WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I was the insanely jealous, trying desperately to hide my immense sadness and envy woman. I am ashamed at the way I felt, and tried - I mean really, really tried to work through these feelings and change, but I coundn't.
Now that I know we WILL have a baby, I don't feel that way anymore.
God, thank you for changing my husband's heart to accept the miracle of adoption which in turn has changed my heart as well!