Sunday, February 6, 2011

Happiness and Bitter Honesty


I. AM. HAPPY!

Yes, for the first time in a very, very long time - a year and a half - I am truly happy. And I don't mean I have had a good day here and there or even a good few days. I have had a good couple of weeks!!! I am crying tears of joy as I type this is realizing the amazing healing power of GOD. Maybe the Lourdes water will not heal my broken womb, and for the first time, I am totally OK with that. I think the water has healed my broken spirit and mind, and that to me is worth so much more! Feeling the way I have for the past couple weeks, I feel like I can go through anything with better focus, clarity, and hope for the future!

This is not to say that I will not be devastated if we suffer another miscarriage, but I have the tools to suffer it better now. Christ has strengthened me in such ways and healed my poor fragile and beaten spirit. I am so very grateful and pray this feeling never leaves me. I feel like my emotional health has been to rehab and back, like I have been vacumned out, and restuffed with rainbows (and no, I am not on any type of medication, lol!)

I know the fact that DH has finally consented to adoption has made all the difference. The meeting with the adoption lawyer solidified our journey last Thursday and although I was shaking like an addict in detox the whole meeting because it was finally so real to me, I was undeniably happy! The fact that we are pursuing adoption GUARENTEES us the baby we so long for. In the past I knew that each subsequent pregnancy had a smaller chance of making it so each dream of becoming a mother became smaller and smaller as well. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be a mother and this makes me incredibly happy! It is a GUARENTEE, do you hear me?! :)

I had a luncheon yesterday with my support group, Crossheart Ministries, and the picture is part of the way they honored our babies. It is so AWESOME to get together and talk to women who have lost babies and are trying to rebuild strength. This month at the meeting I hardly cried, and normally I am a blubbering mess. One of the women from the group told me I seemed to be doing really well, and said she had been nervous to tell me she was pregnant but since I seemed so much better.....I hugged her with all my strength and for the first time in awhile, I felt truly happy for her. I remember when Ann announced her pregnancy I was so happy for them, and it has honestly been that long since I have felt genuinely happy for someone else.

I am going to be brutally honest here. I know you will probably think I am awful, horrible, and more, but I told Fr. H in confession yesterday that it was the first time someone announced they were pregnant and I didn't get a vomit heat rising sensation in my stomach and step outside myself and see myself having a melt down screaming, kicking, crying. I know so many people are really happy for others pregnancies in spite of their own problems, but I WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I was the insanely jealous, trying desperately to hide my immense sadness and envy woman. I am ashamed at the way I felt, and tried - I mean really, really tried to work through these feelings and change, but I coundn't.

Now that I know we WILL have a baby, I don't feel that way anymore.

God, thank you for changing my husband's heart to accept the miracle of adoption which in turn has changed my heart as well!

21 comments:

  1. I am so happy for you!
    I hope I reach that point one day - I thought I did at some point but I'm just not there yet, as demonstrated by my breakdown this week.
    God is good!

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  2. I know it feels so ugly to be jealous for someone when you "should" be happy. But I want to argue (even if I don't believe emotionally) that there really is no "should" here. How happy would the pregnant woman be for me if I were pregnant and she could never have a child? I bet most of us infertiles who see ourselves as so nasty and bitter are a whole lot nicer than most of the "nice" people would be.

    I'm glad to hear you're feeling so much better. What a blessing.

    And while I know it's a transgression of IF blog etiquette to say this, I feel as if I should mention - adoption is not a guarantee for everyone. It may well work that way for you, but for some people, whether the reason is financial, or relates to age, or health, or some legal issue, adoption is iffy, or even unattainable. And I think that by dubbing it a guarantee, you might really hurt someone. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to delete my comment - this is your blog and you may conduct it any way you like. I just wanted to offer the idea in case you had not thought about it.

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  3. Misfit I am sorry if you felt my blog post may hurt someone because I "dubbed adoption a guarantee". But I did not dub it a guarantee for EVERYONE, I was speaking of myself and my husband. It was not a blanket statement about adoption, it was a statement about my husband and myself and our journey towards parenthood.

    thanks for saying you are glad I am feeling better, it is a blessing.

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  4. I admire your attitude so much! I wish that I could keep my envy and jealousy at bay. You're an inspiration!!!

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  5. I am so happy for you!!! Praise God for every good thing you mentioned!!

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  6. Allie- your post brings me alot of joy and hope! You are truly blesssed and the fruits of Our Lady are evident in your post! SO wonderful too, that her feast day is just around the corner- a day of great praise for you- I am sure! Many blessings on your adoption journey!

    My DH is on the fence ab adoption as well..(he wants to make sure we can not conceive first) we are going to an intro sesison soon- I pray for his heart to change like your DH...I give it to Our Lady.

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  7. I cannot tell you how happy I am! Your joy is pouring through the screen! Keep us posted.

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  8. This is such an INCREDIBLE post!!!!!!!!!!!1 Does your husband read these??? DOes he realize how HAPPY he's made you???!!!!! Praise God for him and your future of being PARENTS together!!!!!!

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  9. I'm so happy you are happy! That is awesome!

    And don't worry allie you can't please everyone, thanks for sharing your journey! :)

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  10. Soooo happy to read this post! You will continue to be in my prayers as you go through the adoption process.

    Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us!

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  11. Wonderful news!! Thanks for sharing your joy!! I'm going thru the same issues with the hubs. I hope to have your excitement one day soon!! :)

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  12. I just want you to know how happy I am to hear this joy in your voice. Honestly. When I first met you on this blog, you were not the person you are today. You were broken and sad, lost and confused. And, I totally understood why. I am a bit that person myself still. BUT I have gradually seen you become more a woman of God. I swear, that trip changed you didn't it. LOOK AT YOU NOW! I am praying a prayer of thanks for this path in your life:) And what a gift your husband has given you:)

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  13. Allie: tengo lagrimas en mis ojos. =)

    your post really resonated with me on so many aspects. The bitterness (I have been there more times than I can count), the peace Our Lady can bring and the change adoption makes in your heart. I am praying for you and on this Thursday there will be a solemn mass at my Church which is dedicated to our Lady of Lourdes. I will prays specially that day for you and your DH.

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  14. I loved reading your blog entry and am so happy that God has brought you to the place you are now... and to the peace in your heart that you WILL be parents, no matter how it happens! I just want to encourage you as I remember when my DH and I officially turned in our paperwork to apply for adoption, he echoed the same words to me... we truly felt that now we will be parents, this is going to happen! Of course we didn't know how or when the miracle would come, but God is faithful and looking from the other side, I know now that He turned our hearts toward adoption at just the right time for just the right baby to be born and join our family, and I pray the same is true for you! God bless you on this journey!

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  15. It makes me so happy to read this. I have goosebumps! What a blessing that your dh has had this change of heart, that you are so supported and feeling so much healing yourself. All wonderful news!

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  16. This has been one of my prayers for you for such a long time! I am so happy that you are happy! I am even more happy that the promise of a baby in your arms is within reach! Good luck and I can't wait to hear about this new journey!

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  17. I am filled with joy reading this post. It is proof that the cross does bring redemption. Suffering has its very important purpose and you have been changed for the better because of it. God has worked with you and you have responded.

    I'm so happy about you pursuing adoption!

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  18. Yay!!!!! I am so glad you are doing better. I love you and am always here to talk!

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  19. I am so thankful for your joy, it just shines through!! Many blessings as you continue your journey to motherhood!

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  20. What wonderful news. This is such a blessing to have a new hope on the horizon. You will have children and a family in the near future and it's such a great thing to comfort your tortured heart. I only hope that things progress smoothly and that those holes in your heart begin to mend quickly. It's so hard to have to face everyone's great news with such sadness. You have such joyful news of your own, now!

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