I hate to write about my sadness I am feeling right now when so many of you out there would do anything to be pregnant or have a possible adoption in the wings, and God has blessed us with both opportunities these past few months. But I am terrified the BM is backing off and possibly changing her mind.
I have been trying to be as guarded as I possibly can about the adoption, but my mind races and I start thinking ahead, and before you know it we had bought two matching cribs and put them up in the nursery. A little presumptious I know, but things were going so well or so we thought.
While we were at the beach L (BM) emailed us and told us the results of her 5 month appointment and that she found out the sex of the baby. She said if we wanted to know just email her and she would write back right away and tell us. She was in good health, enjoying her summer break with friends - swimming and resting. She said she would send the ultrasound picture to the lawyer's office again like the first so we could see the baby.
I didn't write back right away. 1) Because I usually don't write for a week or several days. I don't want to get in the habit of constant emailing then after the adoption slow it down and 2)I didn't want to be tempted to open her response without Blake who had to leave the beach mid - week to go back to work. I wanted to relish the news together so I wrote her the following week after my appointment. Like I said, I usually wait a week to write her back BUT SHE ALWAYS EMAILS WITHIN A COUPLE OR FEW DAYS. Today marks 2 weeks without any news.
So I wrote her again today saying that I hope you are doing well and that I only wanted to check on you. I don't know if you are busy with friends and resting, maybe you haven't been able to get to a computer lately, or maybe you are struggling with the decision of adoption. I don't understand what you are going through and I can't imagine the difficulty you face trying to make this decision, but only know that we pray for you and the baby every single day and whatever decision you may make. Please write me when you can and let me know how you are.
Our lawyer called me right after her last email and said we needed to get started on the home study and sit down with L, her parents, her guardian ad litem, himself, and us for a meeting and try to get as much done as possible before the birth of the baby since we are due so very close to each other. I emailed him last week asking about the date of this meeting and if he had talked to her recently. He said the meeting will be after the 4th of July with the "POSSIBLE" guardian ad litem lawyer and ignored my question of L. This leads me to believe that she is having a change of heart. The word possible was never mentioned before.
I know God knows what is best for us, but I certainly can't help my heart from breaking a little at the thought of what could be in store for us next. I only can pray that God help her to make the best decision for herself and the baby and for us to be open and ready for his plan.