Sunday, January 30, 2011

Social Worker Appointment

So.......we met with the social worker last week and she gave us some good suggestions and advice. She asked when the last miscarraige was and I told her August - she said, " we needed to wait a little longer before we start applying because we are probably not emotionally ready, the last loss has been too recent. We also need to start start saving and really be emotionally ready. Adoption chooses you, not the the other way around. It is hard to mix a baby hungry IFer or RPLer with tunnel vision for a baby with a scared-to-death-trying-to-make-an-unselfish-decision mother with a good outcome. We need to be completely ready so we can make the connection with a birth mother and not have such a sense of urgency that we end up scaring her more".

She suggested several books for us to read and to make an appointment with a local adoption lawyer that she knows to be a good Christian man and lawyer. We are going this Thursday at 4 for a free consultation at his office and she said he will give us even more advice and help. She wants us to come back in a month when we have sorted through all the information and make some solid decisions, so that is where we are at this point. Researching, planning, talking, and praying.

The cost can be lower with private, and the wait time shorter, but there can be more risks. I still can't believe it costs that much, but in the end, it could cost one million and it would be worth that one healthy baby!

Most of the adoption agencies are run by religious groups and they place babies with couple from thier own denominations first. There are 5 major agencies around us and they are supported by Church of Christ, Methodist, Evangelicals, Jewish, and of course, Catholic Charities. Sadly, Catholic Charities only placed 1 child last year :( I found a Catholic agency up north in St. Paul, Minnesota JBTC, do you know of Holy Family Adoptions? I emailed them and they haven't written back and thier website is vague at best. Another agency the social worker gave them thumbs up on is Abrazo in San Antonio, TX.In order to apply you must have documented infertility from your doctor, and I am calling the office tomorrow to ask him to write me a letter stating our problems.

So here's to Thursday and hopefully some more good information!

Any advice on other agencies to try? We have researched Gladney, Bethany, Abrazo, and a few international agencies. Thanks to all of you who have advised already (Ann, Barbie, and Lauren :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

0 for 2 after Lourdes and adoption consulting

Well, I tested yesterday morning on P+13 with an "early response" test and it was negative again this month. I have to test early so I know to stop the suppositories so my cycle can come on through. So I am 0 for 2 after being cleansed in Lourdes. I am not losing hope, however we are continuing on with adoption. Even if and when I do get pregnant again, it will be a time full of anxiety and nervousness. Another I am not being negative - just practical. Like Ann said in her latest post, that is the difference between IFers and RPLers. IFers are estatically elated and thrilled when blessed with a pregnancy and RPLers are in full panic mode. Such is my life. Even adoption can be peppered with what some people call, Recurrent Adoption Loss.

BUT......surely with us still trying naturally and trying to adopt as well, we will be blessed with a child soon.....

We have a meeting with an adoption consultant in Memphis Tuesday at 4. She charges $150 for about 2 hours of information. I know this is something that I can do on my own after much time and research, but I would rather pay the money and have all the options laid our for me. She tells the pros and cons of working with agencies, lawyers, domestic, international, everything. So this is step one in a long process but we are ready.

And God is already blessing our journey financially! My mom called this week to ask me if I had the silver quarters my Nana gave us years ago. I told her I think I sold mine to my uncle for extra cash in college but she said she found a bag of them in my dad's closet with my name on them. So I called my uncle and it turns out I had sold him a gold piece that I found when cleaning out her closet and she let me keep it. So the quarters are mine!!!! Dad totalled them up and said they are worth about $2,600 yesterday when silver was at $28 an ounce. My uncle said to find out what they are worth and he will pay me more than they are worth. So we will have about $3 K to start our adoption process! (sometimes I think we could use that to pay Dr. K in Chicago instead of adoption, but for some reason I feel more called to this path).

Pray for us on Tuesday to be able to discern all the information and make a solid choice together which path we should take in adoption!

Also as far as cycle news, something weird happened this month that has never happened before. On CD 14 about 6 hours after a positive LH surge, I had pinkish brown spotting. I freaked out but thought maybe it was some type of ovulation spotting??!! Please let me know if this has happened to you before or if you know anything about this??!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Coping with unexpected announcements

After the negative test on Christmas Day, I found out three people we are very close to are expecting - none of which I was expecting and it threw me into a tailspin. One of them was my dear cousin who is still in college and not married. We are so close and she wrote me an email explaining how sorry she is to be causing me so much pain and sadness. She hoped that I will not be too mad and upset with her. She thought of me as she as she realized she was pregnant and was so afraid to tell me. I was so upset with myself after reading this letter. Do people really think this way about me? That I would be "MAD" at them? I felt rotten. I wrote back saying of course I am jealous, that is just a fact, and I always will be jealous until we have our own child. I am not "MAD" at you. I am just jealous and disappointed with my own body failing me. It is something I am starting to work on. Pray for me as we pray for you. (of course there was much more, but that is the gist of it).

I have been trying to manage my emotions for the past few weeks and have started seeing a therapist. At first I was too ashamed to go, I thought I could handle my feelings between myself and my God. But I have come to realize that many, many people see someone to help them through rough times in their lives and for $25 co pay each visit, why not try to work through some of these negative feelings? I have only been once and go again tomorrow, but she has already given me some good advice:
  • keep saying "I WILL have a baby. If you truly want to be a mother, you will be whether by your womb or adoption.
  • take your negative feelings and harness them into something positive. Start seriously researching adoption, remember, you WILL have a baby.
  • invite anyone you feel has not been there for you like you would have liked to lunch. Explain to them that you need them to talk about your babies with you. It is too hard when you feel it is ignored, but remember it is most likely because they didn't know what to say and didn't want to upset you by bringing it up.
  • take time each day to grieve about your children and try to grieve only then if you can.
  • stay connected with my support network. I have you all of course :) and I have been involved with Crossheart Ministries for the past few months. This is a wondeful ministry that sends care packages after losing children and we meet once a month to cry and pray and share. We have a catered luncheon the first week in February with a guest speaker who wrote a miscarriage survival book. These women are amazing.

So, I have truly put my energy into adoption. DH is finally on board and I have emailed and researched my fanny off. We are between domestic (his first choice) and international - Colombia (my first choice, you can adopt an infant there). I am sure we will not be able to affort Colombia, but I want to meet with the agency anyway. You must live in Colombia for 2 months or more waiting to finalize everything which brings the total cost to around $35-$40 K. He wouldn't be able to stay there that long, and honestly, it would be hard with my job too. I wouldn't be afraid to live there - my mom, sister, and bfs would come alternating trips they have already said. I have thought of countless fundraisers I can do to help the cost like 5Ks, cooking really nice dinners once a month and charging like a restaurant (my aunt's idea), and more. It has turned some of my negative energy into positive.

I got a new haircut, starting back my healthy eating after a brief 3 week hiatus, continuing my exercise, and now working with someone to clean my mind of negative feelings and thoughts.

Early self spring cleaning at this house.