Mother's Day is right around the corner....

I have been dreading Mother's Day this year like the plague. Last year (selfishly) it was a pretty rough day for me, as I am sure it is for alot of you all also. Mass was hard, and I made it through without letting my tears bust out into a full fleged sob, but lunch at my inlaws and dinner at my parents was so very hard. At the time my husbands sis was pregnant and at my parents, 2 of 3 of my SIL were pregnant. I remember feeling so alone and depressed, but trying to hide it to be a good daughter for my mother and MIL. My sweet SIL (the one who always called to check on me after all the m/c, surgeries, and just because) handed me a card as I was leaving. I will never forget the sweetness of what it said, about how I deserved a mother's day card because I already know what it feels like to be a mother and that I will have children on earth one day. I cherished that card and her for making such a sweet simple effort to make me feel unforgotten on that difficult day. I have already been dreading (how awful am I!!??) Mother's Day 2010. To add to the sadness of that day, our EDD of our 2nd, and by far the most devasting m/c, is that Thursday, May 6. I loved that I was due so close to the end of school and that I would get an extra 2 months to stay at home with our baby. I loved that there was a possibility for our baby to be born on Cinco de Mayo since I am a Spanish teacher and obsessed all things Latino - especially their insanely strong devotion to the Virgin Maria. I was not going to be pregnant during the hot summer months. I mentioned in a previous post, this m/c was the hardest and led me to a very deep depression. I had insane headache, depression, clothes not fitting but no baby to show for it, feelings of abandonment and isolation. I almost can't think back to it, it is still so painful and fresh. I was sick, tired, and already getting a pooch and our 8 week appt showed the baby almost 9 weeks with a strong solid heartbeat - I wanted to fall into the ultrasound picture and could not part with it for hours. My sickness and fatigue starting waning, but everyone said this is normal for 10 weeks and on. Well it wasn't. Our next appointment at 13 weeks our Dr. could not find the heartbeat by hand held doppler. We had to wait awhile to get the u/s room only to hear the same thing. Our baby quit growing about 3 days after our first good appointment. One of the hardest things to see was my husband so excited, holding my hand and smiling at the u/s screen while I was crying because I knew what I was seeing wasn't good. He didn't yet, and his hope was unbearable. I couldn't handle it. Selfishly I scheduled a DC for the next day. I was so stunned and devastated, I couldn't imagine having to wait weeks for the baby to naturally expel. I had a DC on Monday and took the whole week of work off. DH and I layed around, watched movies, and cried ALOT that week. It was without a doubt, the single worst week of my entire life.

So...not only will I be battling feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness, and more on Mother's Day week, but will be remembering our DD who should have been born that week. Can you imagine what a more perfect Mother's Dya this could have been for me? Why God, why???????

I will be having another surgery on that Friday, May 7th so I actually probably won't even be going to the inlaws or my parents house that day. I already asked one of my bf (a Eucharistic Minister to the Sick) to bring me the Eucharist that Sunday. I am already making plans to not attend our parents' MOther's Day celebrations. I am selfish, but on that week, I think I can afford to be. I am having a hysteroscopy which is kinda like a DC only with a camera to see the damage done to the uterus. They are pretty sure I do have Asherman's Syndrome, and this is the form of treatment. Anyone know about this procedure or had it done before? It is also used I believe to test for endometriosis? I am so afraid of having this done, (another surgery, another chance for infection or damage to my uterus) but more afraid of having it NOT done. My RE said this could be what has caused the 2nd and 3rd m/c - maybe this was a result of the abdominal myomectemy surgery? That makes my feel hopeful but also scared too! She was the one who did my myomectemy! Also wouldn't my periods have been light for this whole year, not just the months after my previous DC?

On a totally different note, I have been completely obsessed with the beautiful story and blog. I joined Yahoo groups balanced translocation before the geneticist appointment and have followed this amazing woman's story. Her last post showed she has a blog and have been reading ever since yesterday afternoon. Her daughter brought such love and happiness even if only for a short time.