A hopeful new start begins with a pilgrimage....

I have not been on the blogs much lately, I have been busy with school starting back, but also I just needed a break from thinking, reading, writing fertility or lack there of. I have to remember some really good advice an email friend gave me after our 3rd loss, "you are not defined by the ability to mother a child, you are more than that, don't let the struggle to have children dominate your life to where you have nothing left but that, take care and enjoy all aspects of your life." So I am once again...trying...to do just that.

My dear priest who was transferred to another parish in Memphis is the spiritual director of a pilgrimage in October. I wanted to go desperately, especially when I found out my good friend was going, but I couldn't justify the cost, time off of work, time off of ttc or keep a pregnancy, and time away from my husband. (dh attends mass with me weekly, but is not Catholic, rarely flies, and could not take the time off work). After this last miscarriage I thought about it again and again, but thought no because the required 2 months of normal cycles after a m/c will be over then and we can try again. I felt like God kept leading me to this trip and I could not push the idea away.

Just for the heck of it, I asked my principal what she thought of me missing 7 out of our alloted 10 sick/personal days to go on a pilgrimage. Without a drop of hesitation, she said to go. My mother said she would pay for 1/3 of the trip (the plane tickets) and still I was back pedalling and could not make up my mind. I asked for God to give me a clear sign if I was to go on this trip. Well I got that sign. At all school mass this Wednesday - the same day I prayed for a sign - the homily was about the parable of the pearl of great price. If there is something good and holy in your life, we should do anything in our power to get it and maintain it. Then the communion song was written by "bernadette" something. I was like, okay Lord, you've got me!

So October 9-19 we are headed to Fatima, Portugal. Then we travel through Spain to see Theresa of Avila's hometown, St. Ignatius of Loyola's town, the town of the first Eucharistic Miracle at St. Stephens church and on to Lourdes, France. I am so excited about this opportunity and glad I have something else to concentrate on besides sadness, disappointment, and what is wrong with my body. I cannot wait.

I had to go to my RE's office for a final hcg check to make sure it zeroed out and I asked for a referral to Dr. Kwak Kim's office and my medical records. I had faxed the form earlier. The nurse asked if I would please see the other doctor in the clinic who is the specialist in RPL before I went to Chicago. I got in with him 3 days later and we talked for over 3 hours. He was brash and a little harsh at times, but he is insanely knowledgeable and has his PhD in reproductive immunology. He tested me for a few more things: prolactic, tsh (not sure really what this is besides what I have googled) prenatal screen and chlamydia. I go back on CD3 for LH, AMH, and ovarian reserve test as well as another hysterosonagram a few days after that. I told him to treat me like his daughter. What would you tell her? What advice would you give her? He did say that he would not prescribe me a blood thinner even though I have 2 copies of MTHFR, both a and c hetero. I thought this whole time I only had a! I know Kwak Kim would give me that dang lovenox or heparin... But for insurance reasons, and convience (since this trip came up) I am going to put the Kwak Kim deal on hold. Maybe - I pray to God - this new RE can find a problem, and by damn, can fix it.