3 d&cs down.....God willing none to go.

I went through my 3rd and hopefully FINAL d/c yesterday morning @ 8. I was dazed the whole way there and desperately trying to muster up some prayers before the procedure. I had been annointed at a Divine Mercy healing mass about a month ago (when we first got news the baby may be another miscarriage) so I knew I was a go on the soul front even though I was (and am) still angry with God. Rememebering that service is a happy thought. There were so many people at the healing mass and I truly felt healed body and soul as the priest annoited my head and hands with the sacred oils. I immediately knelt down to pray and rubbed the holy oil all around my belly and begged God to breath his living breath into my womb. The next day is when we saw the fetal pole and yolk sac, and I TRULY believe a miracle had taken place and I had been completely healed. Now it is so difficult to understand how God gave me back the baby's life that appointment only to take it away 2 weeks later?? I would have rather had bad news to follow the bad news, not a smidge of hope inbetween. That just made it that much harder. Why God?

I have been cramping, loopy from 5 different medications they have given me (my husband is called Nelly Nurse by my mom since he brings them all to me the minute they need to be taken, God love him), and crazily hungry. My sister and one of my best friends sent an edible arrangement, and I ate all day yesterday even though I know I should have been fasting, but God surely understands. I will double duty fast next Friday. My parents came over and brought catfish, turnip greens, homemade mac and cheese, and Paula Deen's ridiculously delicious "Not Yo Mama's Banana Pudding". If you enjoy cooking, you must try this recipe. It made my day halfway bearable yesterday. If there is one good thing about surgery, and I should know after 3 d/c and an abdominal myomectemy, it's that my family and friends come together to feed, visit, and take your mind off the sadness of what has just happened.

The patient beside me while waiting for my d/c was an older lady from africa who was waiting to have her eggs extracted and was talking to her doctor non stop about the next ivf appointment. I heard her say his name and I realized that is the clinic I will be going to in May, different doctor, however, same clinic. I hope that is not a route they will select for me. Getting pregnant is not an issue, staying that way is, so surely they will not suggest that. Now my prayer is that our problem is not chromosome problems b/t the two of us or NK cells. I have read the problems it could be with my rpl and those are not two I can handle. The options are: keep getting pregnant until one baby sticks which could be countless attempts or "they select a viable embryo from egg extraction which does not have problems and insert into the uterus." I will not be able to "kill" non-viable eggs. The other option is what they lady in the UK has gone through with 17 m/c and finally has conceived. How that lady is not committed, I'll never know.... Heck, I needed to be committed after our 2nd! It didn't help that it feel smack in middle of the holiday merriment season and directly after the birth of 2 neices and a nephew (once again who were unplanned...), but I was over the top depressed. She must have the faith of Job, that woman.

My father in law is a true gift from God. He is a born again Christian after years of smoking and drinking heavy and found the Lord right after my husband was born to become a nondenominational preacher. He preaches in jails, prisons, and missions and goes on mission trips around the world preaching the Gospel. Even though are faiths are different, that are in essence the same. He came to be with us at the surgery center and was there when I awoke in recovery. I was so drugged still and crying, crying, crying. He was there holding my hand and preaching to me about keeping the faith. He reminded me of Sarah and Abraham, Elizabeth and Zechariah. He said he KNOWS we will have a baby and that I just have to give it all to God: the pain, anxiety, fear, and sadness of waiting. He knows I have been struggling with prayer and faith after each m/c but especially after this one. He truly is Godsend, and I am thankful God picked his son for me. I am blessed. Actually I told my priest that same thing before mass Thursday night. Maybe that is why God has given me this cross to bear. I have had a truly great and blessed life. My husband is patient, loving, and a genuinely beautiful man who treats me so wonderfully. My family is loving, large, and supportive. My friends are more loyal than a Labrador Retriever. I have been born into this great country with freedoms unheard of for women in other parts of the world. I have a job I am obsessed with and the mind to learn anything God puts in front of me. I know had a large cross to bear, but maybe it is because I have never really had one to bear before. So I can do this. I can bear this cross and maybe one day will understand exactly why He has given it to me......

My husband and I have decided a weekend getaway will do us both some good. We are going to New Orleans next weekend and staying at a nice hotel with a romantic package including champage, chocolate strawberries (even though I gave up choc for lent ?), VIP in room breakfast, upgrade to deluxe room with balcony, and I am really looking forward to it. Ahh especially the food, it will be so delicious, plus my DH has never been to NO before. He is going to love it. We are going to eat, drink, try to be merry, shop, and just relax and enjoy each other. I love NO and love going to mass there especially at St Louis Cathedral. I may even do some shopping for the trip if I feel like it this week. I left stuff for a sub for Monday, but I am hoping I will feel like going back to work. I only have one day left, and I really need to save it in case I get a call from a cancellation from the RE's office. I pray to God they call with a cancellation soon. I am 35 years old and need to get this started.

Below is a prayer a friend sent me that is so beautiful, I wanted to share. If anyone has a cross to bear, here is the prayer for you:

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart.This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you.He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.