loneliness

So many blogs, message boards, and websites cite loneliness as a product of miscarraige. Well, I sadly agree. I have been feeling so sad and lonely since I got home from the trip. While I am thankful for the time off work during spring break, I think my mental state would be better had my m/c not happened during the vacation. I have one sister and 3 SIL on my side, and 2 SIL on my husbands side. In a previous post I think I mentioned about my brother's wife being pg, my brothers gf (now wife) being pg, and my husbands sister, and my best friend being pg ALL AT THE SAME TIME AS MY FIRST LOSS. Only my best friend's pregnancy was planned. The rest were all a surprise and/or "oh, no I am pregnant" type situation. I cannot tell you the pain and suffering I had to deal with for those long long long months of hosting baby showers and celebrating new life while still greiving my own loss. I didn't hold my neice and nephews for 3 months, until I was pregnant again last October, and now I haven't held them since. I can't. It is too painful knowing we should have one that age, or at least be freaking pregnant again. I would not wish that jealousy and suffering on an enemy, not even my very worst enemy.

After my 2nd loss, I only heard from one of my SIL, the one who has been around the longest and has 3 beautiful children, 2 of whom I have the pleasure of teaching Spanish twice a week at our Catholic School. She called often or texted checking on me. I never heard from the others until Thanksgiving when I was around them all. That was a day from hell. Thankfully I had some loritab left over from my d&c. I popped one before each family get together and distanced myself from the babies, and spent half the time at each house in the bathroom crying or getting over a crying jag. The other 4 didn't know what to say I am sure, but even a text or a simple note in the damn mail would have meant so much to me. I still feel pain from not feeling supported from them. Mom said they probably felt a little guilty and didn't know what to say since they just had their babies, but once again, a freaking card, anything!!!! My best friend had just had her baby, but she came in town, wouldn't take no for an answer and sat and listened to me cry and grieve for hours. She had her husband take their baby to her sisters, she knew that would be too painful for me to be around him. THAT is what a true friend/family member does when you experience a loss, not ignoring and making the loneliness more intense. This 3rd loss has not been very different. I talked to my MIL for the first time (since we failed to hear a heartbeat) yesterday, and the conversation was strained at best. I know she hasn't known what to say to me, but anything is better than nothing...Of course my oldest SIL has called and checked and offered to do anything for me, and DH's sister texted me once saying she was sorry, I am sure because he told her I don't feel close to much of his family (except his dear dad as I wrote about in another post) anymore because they never called, texted, or anything our losses. They would call him of course to check, and my other SIL would call my mom to check on us, but it is not the same as calling me directly. It just makes me feel lonely. This is all I thought about on my daily walk with my dogs yesterday. I am sure it is what caused my tension headache I can't seem to get rid of yet. Please God, let me not have to go back to the neurologist who seems to think I would really benefit from an anti-depressant, which I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE.

I am the type of person who is always on the go. I have so much energy my friends think it is odd - from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed I am busy with something (except for about an hour if I watch tv). I work, walk the dogs or go to the gym, cook dinner, eat, a few days a week there is something at church, or watch tv for an hour before going to bed. I have an unbelievable amount of energy and I thrive on being busy. I feel useless if I sleep in past 7:30 on weekends or holidays and lie in the bed thinking of things I need to be doing or making lists in my head. My mother is the same way so when we get together, a million conversations, lists, and activities are going on at the same time.

After all of my m/c and d&c, however, I seem to lose the energy and lie around and ultimately feel lonely and obviously depressed. I thought after the 3rd one it would be different because I wasn't getting the usual tension headaches and I seemed to be crying a little less than I did with the first two. Well that all changed when we arrived home. I realized yesterday while walking the dogs and literally crying the whole time, that as soon as I found out we lost another baby, I immediately started planning a trip while searching causes and treatments for rpl, now that I was diagnosed with it. I really didn't allow myself time to grieve and think about our loss except the day of the d&c. I pushed it away, but now it is flooding back.

So......as an on the go type girl, I have GOT TO GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE. I am doing nothing for my mental and emotional health laying around from 7 -4 on the computer, watching tv and netflix. All I am doing is intensifying my loneliness. I am about to shower, go do a little shopping, go to my follow up d&c appointment, then meeting a good friend and my sister for dinner and maybe a movie. One of my Lenten goals was to go to mass once a week on Thursday night, which is a mass for the sick of our parish, but I may have to go Friday morning instead. Tomorrow should be nice weather so I hope to transplant some periannuals in my flower bed, cut back plants, and then meeting a friend for a walk and maybe an afternoon cocktail or two. Saturday my husband will be here, and Sunday is church then maybe my parents house - they have a pool and as soon as the weather warms up, the whole family congregates there on Sundays, it is my favorite day of the week. Our pool was actually built 9 years ago because of the birth of the first grandchild. We had begged my dad for years to build one, and he said he would when my SIL had the first grandchild (my brother was the only one married at the time). Well, a few months later, they started digging! When we announced the news that we were pregnant the first time, dad said he would buy a fishing cabin in Arkansas on the river for the family. Everyone was so excited, but needless to say, the cabin hasn't been purchased yet. Babies are so important to my family. I am one of 5 and everyone is just adding and adding, except us. God please let our time come soon.