Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Progesterone Draw?

Ok. So I just left Sew's house after a very busy day at school and she asked me if I got the results back yet about my progesterone draw at CD21. I have been so busy today I totally forgot about calling and they sure had not called me yet! So I left a message and they called back saying they consider anything over 10 to be good, mine was 11.2 Sew was like oh no that is not good! So then on the way home I got to thinking....since my period was basically non existent due to supposed Ashermans Syndrome or maybe "products of conception from my previous d/c" (we hate that term) maybe that is why it was low? Because my lining had not fully shed everything? Or is it just low and possible luteal phase defect?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Mother's Day is right around the corner....

I have been dreading Mother's Day this year like the plague. Last year (selfishly) it was a pretty rough day for me, as I am sure it is for alot of you all also. Mass was hard, and I made it through without letting my tears bust out into a full fleged sob, but lunch at my inlaws and dinner at my parents was so very hard. At the time my husbands sis was pregnant and at my parents, 2 of 3 of my SIL were pregnant. I remember feeling so alone and depressed, but trying to hide it to be a good daughter for my mother and MIL. My sweet SIL (the one who always called to check on me after all the m/c, surgeries, and just because) handed me a card as I was leaving. I will never forget the sweetness of what it said, about how I deserved a mother's day card because I already know what it feels like to be a mother and that I will have children on earth one day. I cherished that card and her for making such a sweet simple effort to make me feel unforgotten on that difficult day. I have already been dreading (how awful am I!!??) Mother's Day 2010. To add to the sadness of that day, our EDD of our 2nd, and by far the most devasting m/c, is that Thursday, May 6. I loved that I was due so close to the end of school and that I would get an extra 2 months to stay at home with our baby. I loved that there was a possibility for our baby to be born on Cinco de Mayo since I am a Spanish teacher and obsessed all things Latino - especially their insanely strong devotion to the Virgin Maria. I was not going to be pregnant during the hot summer months. I mentioned in a previous post, this m/c was the hardest and led me to a very deep depression. I had insane headache, depression, clothes not fitting but no baby to show for it, feelings of abandonment and isolation. I almost can't think back to it, it is still so painful and fresh. I was sick, tired, and already getting a pooch and our 8 week appt showed the baby almost 9 weeks with a strong solid heartbeat - I wanted to fall into the ultrasound picture and could not part with it for hours. My sickness and fatigue starting waning, but everyone said this is normal for 10 weeks and on. Well it wasn't. Our next appointment at 13 weeks our Dr. could not find the heartbeat by hand held doppler. We had to wait awhile to get the u/s room only to hear the same thing. Our baby quit growing about 3 days after our first good appointment. One of the hardest things to see was my husband so excited, holding my hand and smiling at the u/s screen while I was crying because I knew what I was seeing wasn't good. He didn't yet, and his hope was unbearable. I couldn't handle it. Selfishly I scheduled a DC for the next day. I was so stunned and devastated, I couldn't imagine having to wait weeks for the baby to naturally expel. I had a DC on Monday and took the whole week of work off. DH and I layed around, watched movies, and cried ALOT that week. It was without a doubt, the single worst week of my entire life.

So...not only will I be battling feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness, and more on Mother's Day week, but will be remembering our DD who should have been born that week. Can you imagine what a more perfect Mother's Dya this could have been for me? Why God, why???????

I will be having another surgery on that Friday, May 7th so I actually probably won't even be going to the inlaws or my parents house that day. I already asked one of my bf (a Eucharistic Minister to the Sick) to bring me the Eucharist that Sunday. I am already making plans to not attend our parents' MOther's Day celebrations. I am selfish, but on that week, I think I can afford to be. I am having a hysteroscopy which is kinda like a DC only with a camera to see the damage done to the uterus. They are pretty sure I do have Asherman's Syndrome, and this is the form of treatment. Anyone know about this procedure or had it done before? It is also used I believe to test for endometriosis? I am so afraid of having this done, (another surgery, another chance for infection or damage to my uterus) but more afraid of having it NOT done. My RE said this could be what has caused the 2nd and 3rd m/c - maybe this was a result of the abdominal myomectemy surgery? That makes my feel hopeful but also scared too! She was the one who did my myomectemy! Also wouldn't my periods have been light for this whole year, not just the months after my previous DC?

On a totally different note, I have been completely obsessed with the beautiful story and blog. I joined Yahoo groups balanced translocation before the geneticist appointment and have followed this amazing woman's story. Her last post showed she has a blog and have been reading ever since yesterday afternoon. Her daughter brought such love and happiness even if only for a short time.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Great Weekend!

I am such a homebody, I just like to hang out at home on the weekends, have a couple drinks, have friends over, cook, or whatever - just be at home. This weekend though was pretty packed! We had some friends over Friday night (Sew I wish you would have come!) and went to eat Mexican and Saturday night was a benefit downtown in the square, Mud Bug Bash, benefiting a local children's home. My parents own a wine store and they were sponsors for the event so we got free tickets, and who can pass that up? My family and friends came over for a drink and some apps then we walked to the square and had such a great time! Sometimes we just need to forget our problems and just have fun. Well I am ready for bed now at 6:15 (in my defense I just finished a 4 miles walk for our priest who died of Hodgkins Lymphoma a few years ago) but I am glad we were able to enjoy some good friends, family, and fun.

my sweet loving parents who married years ago in less than 6 months!

DH and I ;)

SILS and I

one of my best friends and I

my SIL, mom, friend, aunt, and I (pay no attention to the cracked paint and absence of shutters! DH has been scraping and prepping for two weeks, we are about to paint it all and put up new cedar shutters he built (he is insanely handy!)

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ashermans pretty much diagnosed

This may be a long post, I have so much to relate as I haven't really posted in awhile and we have had a busy week!

Monday we had such great news from the geneticist, read the last post for info. We really were so surprised and blown away, sometimes I guess it really is ok to expect the worst because it is SUCH a great feeling when you are surprised with good news for a change!

Tuesday I had a hair appointment and I absolutely love my hairdresser, she is so sweet, kind, Christian, good woman and so precious. She knows all about our m/c except the last one. I was actually pregnant the last time I was there, but only 6 weeks and already bleeding so I didn't tell many people. (Which by the way, why do we do that?? I mean in my case, anyway, they are going to know by my actions and sadness when it happens anyway?? Next time - provided there is a next time -I am just telling right away, more people knowing, more prayers). So she calls me back and when she turns me around in the chair she is all nervous like and teary and says "I am so nervous, I don't know how to tell you this." and I realize she is pregnant. LIke really really due in a few weeks type pregnant. I was like "oh my goodness how wonderful for you!" Bless her heart, she was so nervous to tell me, turns out both the past two times I was there she was pregnant, which shows me how self consumed I have been that I didn't even notice :( (in my defense she is absoultely tiny and looks about 6 months even though she is almost 9 so maybe I am not too self absorbed?) DH picked me up and we headed to the adoption meeting. It was with Bethany Christian Services - does anyone know much about this agency or know of another they suggest to check into? HOW OVERWHELMING!!!! We were there almost 3 hours and I felt like a sponge, absorbing every little word. We only were wanting to stay for international, but became really engrossed in domestic adoption as well. I know some may not agree with me on this, I just think domestic would be much harder. This agency encourages open adoptions with birth parents being invited birthdays, CHRISTmas celebrations, school events, etc. Call me selfish, but I don't want to share my baby with the birth mother that much. I asked DH if any part of it touched his heart more than another, and he said not really, maybe thought the domestic adoption did. I felt the same way - teary through the whole domestic part of the meeting as well as Columbia, China, Phillipines, and Ethiopia. It is just so overwhelming financially, in terms of time and length to get the child, and in terms of possibly getting a toddler or school age child. Almost all the countries have such a long wait and some (like Columbia) require almost 8 week stay before bringing the child home, we can't affort that? heck I may be fired for missing 2 months! (not really just saying) and then we could get a child anywhere from 1-5 years old. Of course we want a baby! not a toddler who would have major separation anxiety, though if we did choose Columbia, at least I know Spanish and could communicate with a toddler better.... aye ya ya...

Wednesday I had an hsg test to check for fibroid regrowth, adhesions, and Ashermans syndrome. The u/s tech and my RE nurse were there and it was quite painful. They inserted a speculum, then a catheter full of water to blow up my uterus to take pictures. The tech said I had "beautiful fallopian tubes" but there was some area that looked a little off and that it probably was nothing, but Dr. D would call me if she thought something wasn't right. So of course she called me yesterday with some possibly bad, but possibly promising news.

Thursday was glorious - no meetings, no appts, just walking the dogs on a beautiful afternoon then dinner at our friends house which was delicious!

Friday I went to my mother's house to try to explain to her about Blake's chromosome issue and tell her all about the adoption meeting. I talk to her every morning on the way to school and most nights too, but she wanted to sit down and hash it all out. She also still has not blown up and framed out wedding picture so I had to bring the album to her but I think she will do the same one I did which shows the beautiful stained glass of our church.

Dr. D calls and says, "Mrs. B, I am so sorry I feel like I only call with bad news". I was like great. What now? She said 1/2 of my uterus is either scar tissue (aka Ashermans Syndrome from a D/C) or possibly leftover "products of conception" - I HATE THAT TERM!!! I have to have a hysteroscopy the remove the scar tissue or possible left over parts of our baby. I said honestly, what's another surgery? Hell, I've already had a million I feel like in this short year and half. Thank GOD we have great insurance, although they probably want to cancel me. Not to mention I have no sick days left so now will start getting docked pay. So I'll get a call next week to schedule yet another "procedure" but the possible good news in all of this is that maybe this scar tissue is leftover over from a previous d/c and what caused the other 2 pregnancies to not last. That is the only thing that keeps me going is that hope! After this and my progesterone test a week from this Monday, we will be tested out and possibly with no known reasons. We may be one of those 50% of couples who never really find out why they have rpl. Great.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Results from geneticist appointment

Wow. We were blown away, about as blown away as we were when we heard that DH had a balanced translocation. We went in there expecting the worst, bad outcome but saints be praised - there is a silver lining in all of this!

Dr. P explained to us that there are many different translocations that affect people with worse outcomes for some than others. Of all the bt we could have, where DH has his is the best of all of them! His is on chromosome 9 and instead of being broken and reattached like some, his is just inverted from A B C D to A C B D. The closer the break is to the middle of the chromosome, the better. So his is break at q1 which is pretty promising. She said, "Do I think you will be able to carry a normal, healthy child together? Absolutely. (I had to turn my ears out a la George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life) and say, What's that Doctor??? She said more than likely, like Dr. Gianna told me is her problem, that our rpl is a combination of problems: my mthfr, this inverted chromosome, my age, and who knows what else - I still have a couple other tests to go. There are greater risks with breaks on chromosome 13, 21, 17, and others, but 9 does not show greater incidents in birth defects really only a higher incident in miscarriage.
The most common inversion seen in humans is on chromosome 9, at inv(9)(p11q12). This inversion is generally considered to have no deleterious or harmful effects, but there is some evidence it leads to an increased risk for miscarriage for about 30% of affected couples.

Of course I googled it and found some conflicting material, but I am not doing that anymore. I have to trust the geneticist, she has years and years of practice. She will be sending us a letter detailing exactly what she said to us and read to us about his specific inversion, but the great thing is that she used the word, "ABSOLUTELY".

So, next up is hsg test Wednesday @ 3 and then my progesterone checked the next week. We go back to talk to our RE May 15 and I guess she will tell us what to do next. I am in no rush this time. After my other 2 losses all I wanted to do was get pregnant again quickly, but this time, I want all tests done, a treatment regimen if possible, and a few months for my body to heal.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers this morning - JOY BEYOND THE CROSS - thank you IMMENSELY for the Mary undoer of knots novena book. She undid our knots for dang sure! You were so wise to send that to us - and I am grateful.

We are still going to the adoption meeting tomorrow night in Memphis. Blake is still onboard somewhat and maybe God is calling us to have both types of children in our lives? :)

important appointment this morning

Please all of you offer up some prayers for us this morning! I am terribly nervous at what she will have to say to us, although based on my own Dr. googling and a new friend from yahoo the basic outcome will be (according to her whose DH also has a balanced translocation)

Basically with any translocation, you have a 1/3 chance of having a healthy living child. There are 6 outcomes:

The child doesn’t inherit any of the translocation – non carrier.
The child is like your husband – just a carrier.
The child gets an extra chromosome 14 –
birth defects or deadly.

The child gets an extra chromosome 22 –
birth defects or deadly
The child is missing a chromosome 14 –
birth defects or deadly
The child is missing a chromosome 22 –
birth defects or deadly.

"birth defects or deadly" stick out a little too much for me, I pray to God she offers up a little bit more hopeful information for us. Please pray for us especially @ 10:00.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

ashermans syndrome? and thanks for all your prayers!

Thanks to ALL of you who commented with advice, prayers, information, or links to others who have a balanced chromosome translocation. Prayer works! DH was SO MUCH BETTER the day after this post, partly due to my only giving him positive information I had found (he is never one to dr. google) and also because of all of your prayers and I am forever grateful. I am gradually understanding more of what we are facing and trying desperately to come to terms with it and be at peace. From what I can gather, the chance of a normal pregnancy varies depending on who has the problem and which chromosomes are unbalanced or broken off. We have an appointment with a geneticist this Monday, so please pray for us that it is a translocation with better outcome possibilities than other translocations!

I joined a site for groups-balanced translocation for information and support. I have been saddened however but some of the posts and outraged by others. It is clearly a 'women's choice' type mentality by many of the members when the amnio or cvs results come back with an unbalanced translocation result. I just can't help remembering a friend of mine who was told her baby was fine and a girl only to deliver a down's syndrome boy - who is ridiculously precious! I held him after mass Easter Sunday and he is so precious and loving. Doctors make mistakes all the time! It happens and it happens often. Many of them are pursuing prescreening the embryos before IVF. We are not God, we cannot decide others fates....I have been researching like mad - I want to be fully armored before I meet with the geneticist about our options - which really only is one.

From what I have read, the outcome of another pregnancy would go something like this:
50% miscarriage (unbalanced translocation)
25% unbalanced translocation - some type of mental/physical problems or stillbirth
25% normal or normal with same balanced translocation as DH
This is basic, not specific to the different types of chromosomal breakage. I guess we will find out Monday, but I am not sure I could ttc again unless these odds are a good bit higher. What upsets me is the karotype came back as a normal female from our last loss. How could our angel be normal and still have miscarried???!!! Our RE did say they don't really follow these tests unless the test shows abnormal boy because so many times, the mother's uterus tissue is what grows not the baby. (especially in d/c in which the baby has been dead for awhile before the procedure)

One positive outcome in all of this has been my heart TOTALLY opening up to adoption! I have always wanted to have my own children and never really contemplated adoption. After our 2nd loss I mildly entertained the idea but still was thinking of having only my own. Now God has opened my eyes fully to the idea of bringing children, joy, and laughter to our home through adoption, and I feel blessed for this revelation. I have several stumbling blocks to overcome as well, however. We have to start seriously saving, we have not been married long enough yet to even apply (which really makes me angry), and we have to completely and totally decide this route. DH is almost totally on board now, but still needs a little time. We are really afraid of domestic adoption losses, but I think international takes longer? Also with international, it is harder to get an infant? And my country of choice is Guatemala which is currently closed :( I traveled there last summer and fell in love with the people and culture. I am just so afraid of suffering losses like so many of the women on here have had to suffer. I am not sure I could take an adoption loss, it might just be the final straw to break me. But....I have to have faith and hope! As my priest said when I met him last week, utter lack of hope is a good way for the devil to try to sneak on in, and like my friend's co-workers say "Step back satan!!"

I am also so worried now that I may have Asherman's syndrome. After 2 previous d/c my cycle afterwards was very heavy and lasted about a week. I started Tuesday which is about 4.5 weeks after my last d/c and it has been soooo light. Light bleeding for day and half and no today - nothing, nada, zilch. This is strange for me and (of course) I googled it only to find countless sites and information about asherman's sydrome. The chance of having it is higher with 3 or more d/c especially when they are close together. Well, you can't get any closer together than mine: May 09, October 09, March 10. I have a hsg test in a couple weeks to check my fibroids (which have grown back in one year after a very painful and hard to recover from surgery last May) so I guess they can check for ashermans also. There is nothing I can do about it until then, so I just have to have hope and pray.