Monday, January 17, 2011

Coping with unexpected announcements

After the negative test on Christmas Day, I found out three people we are very close to are expecting - none of which I was expecting and it threw me into a tailspin. One of them was my dear cousin who is still in college and not married. We are so close and she wrote me an email explaining how sorry she is to be causing me so much pain and sadness. She hoped that I will not be too mad and upset with her. She thought of me as she as she realized she was pregnant and was so afraid to tell me. I was so upset with myself after reading this letter. Do people really think this way about me? That I would be "MAD" at them? I felt rotten. I wrote back saying of course I am jealous, that is just a fact, and I always will be jealous until we have our own child. I am not "MAD" at you. I am just jealous and disappointed with my own body failing me. It is something I am starting to work on. Pray for me as we pray for you. (of course there was much more, but that is the gist of it).

I have been trying to manage my emotions for the past few weeks and have started seeing a therapist. At first I was too ashamed to go, I thought I could handle my feelings between myself and my God. But I have come to realize that many, many people see someone to help them through rough times in their lives and for $25 co pay each visit, why not try to work through some of these negative feelings? I have only been once and go again tomorrow, but she has already given me some good advice:
  • keep saying "I WILL have a baby. If you truly want to be a mother, you will be whether by your womb or adoption.
  • take your negative feelings and harness them into something positive. Start seriously researching adoption, remember, you WILL have a baby.
  • invite anyone you feel has not been there for you like you would have liked to lunch. Explain to them that you need them to talk about your babies with you. It is too hard when you feel it is ignored, but remember it is most likely because they didn't know what to say and didn't want to upset you by bringing it up.
  • take time each day to grieve about your children and try to grieve only then if you can.
  • stay connected with my support network. I have you all of course :) and I have been involved with Crossheart Ministries for the past few months. This is a wondeful ministry that sends care packages after losing children and we meet once a month to cry and pray and share. We have a catered luncheon the first week in February with a guest speaker who wrote a miscarriage survival book. These women are amazing.

So, I have truly put my energy into adoption. DH is finally on board and I have emailed and researched my fanny off. We are between domestic (his first choice) and international - Colombia (my first choice, you can adopt an infant there). I am sure we will not be able to affort Colombia, but I want to meet with the agency anyway. You must live in Colombia for 2 months or more waiting to finalize everything which brings the total cost to around $35-$40 K. He wouldn't be able to stay there that long, and honestly, it would be hard with my job too. I wouldn't be afraid to live there - my mom, sister, and bfs would come alternating trips they have already said. I have thought of countless fundraisers I can do to help the cost like 5Ks, cooking really nice dinners once a month and charging like a restaurant (my aunt's idea), and more. It has turned some of my negative energy into positive.

I got a new haircut, starting back my healthy eating after a brief 3 week hiatus, continuing my exercise, and now working with someone to clean my mind of negative feelings and thoughts.

Early self spring cleaning at this house.


  1. I'll continue praying! Especially as you start down this adoption road.

  2. I have been praying for you and waiting to hear how you were doing! I am glad you are talking to someone and it sounds like eminently good advice!

    Will continue to pray for you and DH as you work through adoption possibilities!

  3. Oh sweet prayer buddy! I"m so glad to read an update- even though it was hard. I'm sorry you've been dealing with all of this. I'm thrilled that you're back into researching adoption full-force. Yikes at the price of adoptions in Columbia. Any questions about domestic...I'm your girl!!!

  4. Early self spring cleaning sounds good! Praying for you.

  5. Allison it was great seeing you Sat. This post is so inspiring! I am super excited for you guys and praying that what God has in store is miraculous!

    I am your girl if you want to have a 5K. I have been a director of a 5K in the past couple of years, and have a checklist for all the things that you need to make a great one. Please let me know and I will pour all my energy into making it a total success!!!

  6. Hi Allie! I was wondering how you were doing. Its to very hard to receive such news! But you are doing the right thing seeing help. I am also doing it and I think its God sent. your counselor and group sound amazing.

    I just posted this last week in my blog about a new blogger from Mexico that is a very, very close friend of mine.

    She is actually helping me very very much in bringing Napro to Mexico.

    She is an adoptive mother of 2 from Colombia.

    I consider her an expert and has put in her blog the address of the house where she adopted there twice. The last time 2 years ago. There you can also see the blog in Spanish that she has pictures of her daughter and son.

    Actually she did pay, but very, very little. Nothing like you mention. She can help you in guiding you with the adoption process in Colombia. She studied it for years until she was able to adopt. I can introduce you to her via FB. Just let me know if you are interested. You can send me an email. =)

    If you need anything in Spanish or anything with other things in LAt just let me know. Would love to help anyway I can.

    un abrazo y mis oraciones Allie!

  7. What a great, refreshing start to 2011 with seeing a therapist and putting your energy into noble causes. Your therapist sounds like she'll be a huge help. Praying that 2011 is the year you will have a baby!

  8. I am new to your blog- What a great therapy session! I think her suggestions. I wish my DH was "on board"...good for you- I will be praying for you!

  9. Allie, you are in my prayers! Your therapist sounds wonderful, and I think it's wonderful that you went! My close friend is getting her masters in marriage and family therapy, and she always says that everyone who can afford it should have a therapist. :) She even goes to one herself!

  10. I can truely feeling your pain and I'm glad your therapy session went well! My sister who is 21, not married and no bf, no college degree, living with my parents, and only a pt job is 6 mos preg. We have been trying for 4 yrs and I was totally blindsighted by her news. I went to a therapist bc of neg feelings and she told me all is fine and what I'm feeling is "normal". My dh is not agreeing with adoption yet. Keep the positive thoughts flowing!

  11. I was wondering how you were doing and keeping you in my prayers. I will keep praying. It sounds like you are walking in the right direction.

  12. Oh Allie - so glad you posted, I miss you! Wow, it does sound you have had a very healthy - both mind and body start to 2011. You are an inspiration! I am praying for you and can't wait to see what 2011 brings for you and B! Love always - M!

  13. I couldn't say it any better than JBTC just did!! Praying for you, sweetie! Lots going on in 2011 for you!! :)

  14. Allie,good to see your post...I didn't want to be a nudge but I was beginning to worry & Fr Ben can tell you how good I am at that:-) Spring cleaning indeed! You are an inspiration, even tho I'm sure you don't feel like it. Stay the course, Jesus is right next to you.Sounds like Martha trying to be Mary has a good contact. We're still in the wings,praying!

  15. I think your energy idea is great! You know I am here for whatever. You never know about where you may adopt from. There may be a Columbian baby here that needs to be adopted! You are always in my prayers! Love you

  16. It is wonderful to hear from you and I think you sound wonderful. I love your therapists' ideas and it is so exciting that your dh has agreed to move forward with adoption.

  17. IT is so good to finally here from you. You have been missed!!! First, I find a blessing already in this blog. Reading what Martha trying to be a Mary sweet of her to give you her friend's information. That could be a great lead for you. AND she is willing to help you with Spanish!! How nice:)

    I know you are having a hard time. I am so happy though that you are seeing someone. What a great idea. It really is going to benefit you in so many ways. Who knows...I might follow you! The advice sounds so good...keep posting it:)

    HUGS and glad you are back to be with us:)