I have been trying to manage my emotions for the past few weeks and have started seeing a therapist. At first I was too ashamed to go, I thought I could handle my feelings between myself and my God. But I have come to realize that many, many people see someone to help them through rough times in their lives and for $25 co pay each visit, why not try to work through some of these negative feelings? I have only been once and go again tomorrow, but she has already given me some good advice:
- keep saying "I WILL have a baby. If you truly want to be a mother, you will be whether by your womb or adoption.
- take your negative feelings and harness them into something positive. Start seriously researching adoption, remember, you WILL have a baby.
- invite anyone you feel has not been there for you like you would have liked to lunch. Explain to them that you need them to talk about your babies with you. It is too hard when you feel it is ignored, but remember it is most likely because they didn't know what to say and didn't want to upset you by bringing it up.
- take time each day to grieve about your children and try to grieve only then if you can.
- stay connected with my support network. I have you all of course :) and I have been involved with Crossheart Ministries for the past few months. This is a wondeful ministry that sends care packages after losing children and we meet once a month to cry and pray and share. We have a catered luncheon the first week in February with a guest speaker who wrote a miscarriage survival book. These women are amazing.
So, I have truly put my energy into adoption. DH is finally on board and I have emailed and researched my fanny off. We are between domestic (his first choice) and international - Colombia (my first choice, you can adopt an infant there). I am sure we will not be able to affort Colombia, but I want to meet with the agency anyway. You must live in Colombia for 2 months or more waiting to finalize everything which brings the total cost to around $35-$40 K. He wouldn't be able to stay there that long, and honestly, it would be hard with my job too. I wouldn't be afraid to live there - my mom, sister, and bfs would come alternating trips they have already said. I have thought of countless fundraisers I can do to help the cost like 5Ks, cooking really nice dinners once a month and charging like a restaurant (my aunt's idea), and more. It has turned some of my negative energy into positive.
I got a new haircut, starting back my healthy eating after a brief 3 week hiatus, continuing my exercise, and now working with someone to clean my mind of negative feelings and thoughts.
Early self spring cleaning at this house.