Monday, March 8, 2010

Best Friend

Flowers from my best friend, Amy
A best friend is something that all people should be blessed with, however, I think God blessed me with one of the best on earth. I didn't meet Amy until I was out of college and back living at home with my parents working my first teaching job. We immediately became thick as thieves and have been tight ever since. After I broke off a wedding with my ex fiance, I was left with no hope for the future and severely depressed. Mom always says, "If it wasn't for Amy!" She listened tirelessly to my concerns and sadnesses, never giving up on getting me back to my old self. She moved away after she married almost 2 years ago, but she is close enough for a quick weekend visit. I actually was with her the day I truly believed this last pregnancy was not going to make it. My symptoms started to dwindle and I just had a sinking, crushing feeling. She kept saying, "oh no, Allison, you are SO pregnant. Your baby is fine, so what about names?" Finally she said, "Allison your baby is fine, I bet my life on it!" Wow, I really wish she had not said that....She knows all too well this pain, being with me during the last two. Her dear sister even gave birth 5 years ago to a beautiful boy who died 11 days later only to have a miscarriage follow a year after. (she now has two healthy adorable boys) .She is such a n important person in my life, and gives such uplifting advice that is spot on to what you need to hear at that exact moment. I only wish she still lived close. I miss my best friend, and I wish she was here with me right now to give me some of that sweet advice she is so good at after the day I had today.

I don't know why I thought I would be okay to go back to work today. I can say without a doubt, teaching has GOT to be one of the worst professions for women suffering with infertility. Granted I can think of a few worse (labor /delivery nurse, gynocologist) but being around children all day long only reminds me of what I am missing in my life. This morning as I was reading "Como dicen te quiero a un dinasaurio" (how to tell a dinasaur you love him) to prek, I almost busted out in tears wondering if I will get to read to my own child someday. Then when saying blessing before lunch with my homeroom, I wonder will I get to say grace with my own child one day? Needless to say, not much teaching was done today, alot of busywork and worksheets while I kept busy with lesson plans, googling (anything about IF and RPL), and other things besides getting in front of the children and risking busting out in tears. I acutally did that after my m/c in November one day during 7th grade Spanish. You could have heard a pin drop.

But I made it through today and am waiting for one of my best friends to walk with me and my two dogs and to get some fresh air and endorphins into this sad and stressed mind today. I can do it. I have 4 days left of work, then New Orleans, then a week of spring break. God give me the patience to make it through this very difficult and emotional work week. And then after spring break, I will only have 6 more weeks to wait until the appt with my new RE.

1 comment:

  1. I completely and totally agree that teaching is seriously a HORRIBLE job to have when you are suffering from infertility and loss. It's sort of like salt being rubbed in a wound, isn't it? Frankly, I am tired of surrogacy through my students and don't know that I'll be able to go back.

    Praying for you as you move through this week.