Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Dr. D called last night just as I was walking into the Seder Meal at my church with the final test result. She said that DH tested positive for the balanced chromosome translocation!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like I was shot and I literally felt the blood draining from my body. I had a panic attack and could not go to the Seder obviously. Thank goodness my friend pulled up and we sat in her car and I tried to calm down. Like I said before, once I hear bad news, I kind of tune out and so the remaining 15 minutes of the call was jumbled at best. I remember her saying that she doesn't know exactly how the chromosomes are translocated and we need to meet with a geneticist to discuss our options, something about 85% may EVENTUALLY HAVE normal births with more m/c, but 15% will continue to m/c or have non viable fetuses, two options she knows are continue to get pregnant until one is viable and will likely have more m/c or do IVF to "select" the embryos without the translocation. I am sooooooooo afraid and need help please any info will help. I am so scared too b/c of all the message boards I have joined about rpl, NONE HAVE MENTIONED HAVING THIS PROBLEM!! It is so unbelievable rare, I can't tell you! Only 3-5% of the poplulation have rpl, of that only 3% have balanced chromosome translocation, WTH?????? of that women are twice as likely to have it that men, seriously God??? Was my cross not BIG ENOUGH ALREADY!!!???
I am at a loss of words, and poor B is a basket case. He cried last night saying I am the one who has to be strong now, and if I want to try again it is my choice b/c he doesn't want to. He feel responsible for all my surgeries, the depression, losses, everything. I tried to reassure him, but he is not to be consoled right now. He feels guilty and so angry. I think I heard him sniffling/crying when he finally fell asleep. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! I am meeting with my priest Thursday so I am hoping he'll provide some guidance and help, because I AM SO LOST. I think the odds to be struck by lightning are higher that this, seriously. Please post info on your blogs about this or a link to me, maybe there is someone you all know who blogs with this disorder who can help me understand because two weeks until the geneticist appointment, will DO ME IN. And please please please, we need your prayers more than ever. Of all the things we could have had, this is by far the absolute worst one to have, especially for a Catholic. I cannot belive this is happening.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I seriously thought about calling our parish secretary to find someone else to do the readings for me. I wasn't sure about my emotional state in front of so many people, so fresh after another loss. After our second loss, I was lector about a month afterward and almost lost it in the podium when the reading was from the Old Testament of a woman and how she longed for son. (I think it was Hannah?) But, I thought I surely could narrate the Passion, right?
Wrong. About halfway through the reading, I saw the words before I spoke them. (I have such a bad habit of reading ahead). "Jesus said, Daughter of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep instead for yourselves and for your children for indeed, the days are coming when people will say, 'BLESSED ARE THE BARREN, THE WOMBS THAT NEVER BORE, AND THE BREASTS THAT NEVER NURSED'. Well, I choked over the words and praise to the Holy Spirit for helping me swallow my fear and sadness and get through the rest of the reading and mass in front of everyone. I am not vain enough to think the whole congregation was looking and pitying me, but again there are many who know of our struggle this year and of all our babies who have not made it. Maybe God is trying to tell me something through my proclamation of his Holy Word at Mass. I mean I only lector about every 6 weeks and the readings in December and in March are DIRECTLY mentioning passages dealing with loss and/or desire to have a child. Maybe he is testing my ability to persevere with carrying of our cross. Maybe he is trying to convince me to let him carry my cross of pain and suffering. Maybe it is time I let Him.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I just returned from our parish's Mass for the sick, and it was such a cozy, close, warm mass. Our pastor is moving the Eucharist back behind the altar from the side of the altar so Mass was in the parish hall, and my face was literally 12 inches from Fr. B. He is so deep and devout, and when he gives his homily you feel like he is TALKING DIRECTLY TO YOU ABOUT YOUR LIFE! Tonight was no different. He started out about how his spiritual director in seminary was a recovering alcoholic and such a holy man who would spend hours in front of the sacrement praying daily. He told him about giving it ALL TO GOD, not giving it and taking it back a few days later. So many times we offer our problems to God for Him to take care of it, but don't trust enough and end up taking it back because we "need" to have something to worry about, we can't trust enough that God will take care of it because only He knows the deepest desires of our hearts. Of course I think he is talking right at me! We have emailed and he knows all about our losses, and knows that I need to give it ALL to God, but haven't been able to let go of the worry and need yet.
Mary (as a young 14 year old girl, can you imagine?? I always tell my 7th grade religion class - that is YOU in a year or two!) gave up her entire will of her life, marriage, falling in love, having children with her spouse, many children, and more. She gave into God's will for her life! The angel of the Lord told her fear not, you are the handmaiden of the Lord, and what did she answer? Be it done to me according to your word. Fr. said can you imagine? She had total trust in God, didn't worry about what her parents would say, that her betrothed would probably leave her, and worst still - that she could be stoned to death! If she can do it ladies....we damn sure better try! He also said more portraits and pictures are painted of the annunciation than any other event of mankind, painted by Christians and Non Christians alike.
This morning as I was reading the daily readings (anyone with a smartphone or iphone, best app ever is SINCERE PRAYER. It has podcasts, virtual rosary, daily readings, reflections, and more. I LOVE IT!) I thought about Mary - such a young, scared woman who was suddenly pregnant. I thought about all of us who would KILL to be pregnant (and keep it) and then I thought about women who are finding out today they are pregnant and are devastated. Women who are in abusive relationships, women who don't know the fathers of their baby, women who are contemplating abortion, women who are teenage girls. Instead of praying for me to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy carried to term....I prayed for those who are not looking at the pink lines with joy, but rather with dread. I can't imagine feeling like that, and they are the ones to be prayed for and pitied, I feel like today.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
So my results are in. Uterus infection? Negative. Thyroid? 1.03. Dr. D like thyroid levels to be between 1-2. Is that a little close to normal or it is good???
Sunday, March 21, 2010
1. my husband - who I found later in life (at age 30, not to be married until 33) and I am thankful to share this cross with such a patient, supportive, positive man.
2. my family - I am one of 5 children to parents still together and love each other dearly. I am sister, aunt, SIL, daughter in law, cousin, neice, and more. We are a very close tight-knit family none of which have left a 30 mile radius!
3. my friends - I only have a handful of close friends, but they are the best a girl could have and have been unbelievable to me throughout this short, but painful year.
4. my job - I started my current spanish teaching job last year, and I like to say that I am 35 years old, and God finally brought me to a job that I totally love!
5. my parish family - our parish is full of so many different ethnic groups, ages, backgrounds, and cultures. Our priests are 2 of the holiest and most devoted priests I have ever known. One is such a wonderful man, he has called several times after each loss and even sent flowers after our losses. My mother and I always say he WILL be Pope one day!
6. my health and the heath of my family - I know I have experienced rpl this year and obviously SOMETHING is wrong, but overall, my family and I are in good health, and I am thankful for this.
7. my pets - we have 2 labs, one black lab, Bear, who is as meek and sweet as a lamb (DH's dog) and one yellow lab, Charley, who honestly makes Marley look like a cake walk he is so darn awful (my dog, but I love him!) and our orange tabby cat FredBaby (mine before the marriage and I joke that DH is his stepdad, although lately he prefers DH to me :(
8. my country - granted after tonight's vote I may change my mind about this statement, but one day while praying the rosary and walking and praying so fervently for our last baby to be healthy, I remembered my mind wandering and thinking about how my life could be so different had I been born into another culture. I could have been a young Afganistan woman forced to live life behind a burka. I could be living in Guatemala as the wife of a poor peasant having children who would not have a chance at a future with no education or opportunity. I could be a mother in Africa, dying of AIDS and worrying about the future of my children. But instead, God chose for me to be born in America, and saints be praised for this!
9. my education - I was blessed to have a solid, stong mind to be able to excel in school, college, and learn anything I have the desire to learn.
10. my religion - I thank God I was born into His Christian faith. There are thousands of religons in the world, but I am lucky to have been born into the one, true faith.
So today I just wanted to try to focus on things to be positive and thankful for in my life. Tomorrow I am sure I will be onto to complaining, crying, and bemoaning, but for now, I just want to try to feel thankful.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
After my 2nd loss, I only heard from one of my SIL, the one who has been around the longest and has 3 beautiful children, 2 of whom I have the pleasure of teaching Spanish twice a week at our Catholic School. She called often or texted checking on me. I never heard from the others until Thanksgiving when I was around them all. That was a day from hell. Thankfully I had some loritab left over from my d&c. I popped one before each family get together and distanced myself from the babies, and spent half the time at each house in the bathroom crying or getting over a crying jag. The other 4 didn't know what to say I am sure, but even a text or a simple note in the damn mail would have meant so much to me. I still feel pain from not feeling supported from them. Mom said they probably felt a little guilty and didn't know what to say since they just had their babies, but once again, a freaking card, anything!!!! My best friend had just had her baby, but she came in town, wouldn't take no for an answer and sat and listened to me cry and grieve for hours. She had her husband take their baby to her sisters, she knew that would be too painful for me to be around him. THAT is what a true friend/family member does when you experience a loss, not ignoring and making the loneliness more intense. This 3rd loss has not been very different. I talked to my MIL for the first time (since we failed to hear a heartbeat) yesterday, and the conversation was strained at best. I know she hasn't known what to say to me, but anything is better than nothing...Of course my oldest SIL has called and checked and offered to do anything for me, and DH's sister texted me once saying she was sorry, I am sure because he told her I don't feel close to much of his family (except his dear dad as I wrote about in another post) anymore because they never called, texted, or anything our losses. They would call him of course to check, and my other SIL would call my mom to check on us, but it is not the same as calling me directly. It just makes me feel lonely. This is all I thought about on my daily walk with my dogs yesterday. I am sure it is what caused my tension headache I can't seem to get rid of yet. Please God, let me not have to go back to the neurologist who seems to think I would really benefit from an anti-depressant, which I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE.
I am the type of person who is always on the go. I have so much energy my friends think it is odd - from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed I am busy with something (except for about an hour if I watch tv). I work, walk the dogs or go to the gym, cook dinner, eat, a few days a week there is something at church, or watch tv for an hour before going to bed. I have an unbelievable amount of energy and I thrive on being busy. I feel useless if I sleep in past 7:30 on weekends or holidays and lie in the bed thinking of things I need to be doing or making lists in my head. My mother is the same way so when we get together, a million conversations, lists, and activities are going on at the same time.
After all of my m/c and d&c, however, I seem to lose the energy and lie around and ultimately feel lonely and obviously depressed. I thought after the 3rd one it would be different because I wasn't getting the usual tension headaches and I seemed to be crying a little less than I did with the first two. Well that all changed when we arrived home. I realized yesterday while walking the dogs and literally crying the whole time, that as soon as I found out we lost another baby, I immediately started planning a trip while searching causes and treatments for rpl, now that I was diagnosed with it. I really didn't allow myself time to grieve and think about our loss except the day of the d&c. I pushed it away, but now it is flooding back.
So......as an on the go type girl, I have GOT TO GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE. I am doing nothing for my mental and emotional health laying around from 7 -4 on the computer, watching tv and netflix. All I am doing is intensifying my loneliness. I am about to shower, go do a little shopping, go to my follow up d&c appointment, then meeting a good friend and my sister for dinner and maybe a movie. One of my Lenten goals was to go to mass once a week on Thursday night, which is a mass for the sick of our parish, but I may have to go Friday morning instead. Tomorrow should be nice weather so I hope to transplant some periannuals in my flower bed, cut back plants, and then meeting a friend for a walk and maybe an afternoon cocktail or two. Saturday my husband will be here, and Sunday is church then maybe my parents house - they have a pool and as soon as the weather warms up, the whole family congregates there on Sundays, it is my favorite day of the week. Our pool was actually built 9 years ago because of the birth of the first grandchild. We had begged my dad for years to build one, and he said he would when my SIL had the first grandchild (my brother was the only one married at the time). Well, a few months later, they started digging! When we announced the news that we were pregnant the first time, dad said he would buy a fishing cabin in Arkansas on the river for the family. Everyone was so excited, but needless to say, the cabin hasn't been purchased yet. Babies are so important to my family. I am one of 5 and everyone is just adding and adding, except us. God please let our time come soon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Blake and I at our hotel before the night of dancing, fun, and ultimately sadness too. We ran the whole gamut of emotions that night!
Friday, March 12, 2010
DH and I have only been out of town together once, our honeymoon in October 2008. I am so excited because we will be on a mini vacation this weekend, and because we have only done it once before. We both need this much needed R&R after the trials of such a very hard emotional first year of pregnancies and losses. I am so looking forward to our "VIP room service breakfast" Sunday morning, mass at St. Peter's, and all the delicious food!
So I guess my prayers have FINALLY been answered. Even though my appointment with the RE wasn't supposed to be until May 6, God answered my prayers and there was a cancellation! All day Monday I left my phone on while I was teaching in hopes there would be a call, and wouldn't you know it - on Tuesday I had it on silent and I missed the call. I panicked, gave the kids some quick busy work, (which was hard to do as I had 3rd grade at the time and come on, how much Spanish busy work can you give 8 year olds??) and immediately called the office. I had missed their call by about 10 minutes. They had me on hold for at least 10 minutes, but I got an appointment for the next day, Wednesday, at 1:30. I felt my mood lighten and the clouds disperse for the first time in a week and then some! I was so happy, and even had a couple Blue Moons to celebrate with DH at dinner. In my excitedness, I called a sub and didn't realize I could have saved my last paid vacation/personal day because I am off last 2 periods on Wednesday. Oh well, I enjoyed my beers, stayed up til almost 10, and enjoyed sleeping in past 5:45.
We arrived at the office a few minutes early only to find that our appointment wasn't until 2, we were mistold. That was fine although we had to wait about an hour to see the RE as she was running late due to a procedure. I'll start calling her Dr. D. I really really like Dr. D, she is the same doctor I was referred to last May to remove my 2.5 pounds of fibroids. The resident studying under her said he wanted to take pictures of them - he had never seen on that large before (one was a football size, one a softball, and one a golfball!) I remember when I first thought I was pregnant that first time in January 2009, I told my SIL on the phone, I am either more pregnant than I think I am or I have a tumor in my stomach. I could feel them, but honestly thought it was some kind of pregnancy symptom. I had also been up for nights on end with horrible intense cramping and took many, many advil and used a heating pad for several nights. I guess it is a good thing I did miscarry, those are both two no no's when pregnant, but I didn't know.
So when Dr. D walked in, she greeted us and asked us what she could do to help us. She was stunned when we told her we just had our 3rd loss. She was surprised and thought we were there because we needed help getting pregnant. She said, "I just knew you were coming to get some help getting pregnant, not staying pregnant??" My regular OBGYN had not forwarded my paperwork yet to her, I guess because they set my appt up with her for May, so she asked us so many questions. I tried to answer and relate our problems as best as I could remember, but I have such a bad tendency to "zone out" when we get bad news, that there were many things I am sure I never heard my regular doctor say that was important. Everytime we would talk about appointments later, my husband would have to retell me everything that happened after we heard the words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat, there's been no growth, I wish I didn't have to tell you this". I heard that and then mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm for the rest of the appt.
She asked if our babies had been tested for chromosome problems/balanced translocation. I told her they sent off the 3rd baby last Friday and that our 2nd baby had been tested and we got back "normal female karotype" results. She looked at her notes and said that was most likely MY tissue that grew not the baby's since the baby had already been dead almost 4 weeks when the sample was taken during d&c. She said she is fairly positive I am a normal XXY kinda girl, but she wanted to test to make sure. She asked about my progesterone/hcg levels with the previous pregnancies, all ultrasounds, any bleeding, any cramping, So...DH and I gave blood sample to be tested for karotyping, a blood sample to test my thyroid, and a culture from my uterus to test for bacterial infections. I am worried about the infection test since I have already been taking antibiotics for my d&c. I have been on them for a week now so I wonder even if I had an infection if it would show positive or if the doxycycline already would have cleared it up? When I get my next cycle, I have to call for an appointment to have my progesterone checked soon after the start of my cycle. As soon as they receive my file from my regular ob, she will read over it to see if I need additionaly testing. The results from thyroid and infection will be here in two weeks, karotype in four. Please all of you reading this, pray pray pray it is anything BUT balanced translocation. There is no cure or treatment that is pro life and religiously correct(the treatment is creating embryos and destroying the ones with the translocation, inserting ones without). The only option is to continually get pregnant until one of the embryos does not have the translocation, which means m/c after m/c after m/c.
So, thanks be to God and to our early appointment, I will really be able to enjoy our trip tomorrow to NEW ORLEANS!!!! I just have to get outta my head the possiblility (very rare possibility) of a chromosome problem and just hope and pray it is something easier to fix like low progesterone or bacterial infection. I have a sinking suspicion and gut feeling though that they will not find anything other than MTHFR which is not even a major cause of m/c only a side note if it is the heterzygnous form like I have. Dr. D even told me to quit taking aspirin (not sure why?) and to continue with folguard. Now my patience will truly be tested waiting for these results as well as waiting for my next cycle in order to take the next test. the wait begins...........
Monday, March 8, 2010
A best friend is something that all people should be blessed with, however, I think God blessed me with one of the best on earth. I didn't meet Amy until I was out of college and back living at home with my parents working my first teaching job. We immediately became thick as thieves and have been tight ever since. After I broke off a wedding with my ex fiance, I was left with no hope for the future and severely depressed. Mom always says, "If it wasn't for Amy!" She listened tirelessly to my concerns and sadnesses, never giving up on getting me back to my old self. She moved away after she married almost 2 years ago, but she is close enough for a quick weekend visit. I actually was with her the day I truly believed this last pregnancy was not going to make it. My symptoms started to dwindle and I just had a sinking, crushing feeling. She kept saying, "oh no, Allison, you are SO pregnant. Your baby is fine, so what about names?" Finally she said, "Allison your baby is fine, I bet my life on it!" Wow, I really wish she had not said that....She knows all too well this pain, being with me during the last two. Her dear sister even gave birth 5 years ago to a beautiful boy who died 11 days later only to have a miscarriage follow a year after. (she now has two healthy adorable boys) .She is such a n important person in my life, and gives such uplifting advice that is spot on to what you need to hear at that exact moment. I only wish she still lived close. I miss my best friend, and I wish she was here with me right now to give me some of that sweet advice she is so good at after the day I had today.
I don't know why I thought I would be okay to go back to work today. I can say without a doubt, teaching has GOT to be one of the worst professions for women suffering with infertility. Granted I can think of a few worse (labor /delivery nurse, gynocologist) but being around children all day long only reminds me of what I am missing in my life. This morning as I was reading "Como dicen te quiero a un dinasaurio" (how to tell a dinasaur you love him) to prek, I almost busted out in tears wondering if I will get to read to my own child someday. Then when saying blessing before lunch with my homeroom, I wonder will I get to say grace with my own child one day? Needless to say, not much teaching was done today, alot of busywork and worksheets while I kept busy with lesson plans, googling (anything about IF and RPL), and other things besides getting in front of the children and risking busting out in tears. I acutally did that after my m/c in November one day during 7th grade Spanish. You could have heard a pin drop.
But I made it through today and am waiting for one of my best friends to walk with me and my two dogs and to get some fresh air and endorphins into this sad and stressed mind today. I can do it. I have 4 days left of work, then New Orleans, then a week of spring break. God give me the patience to make it through this very difficult and emotional work week. And then after spring break, I will only have 6 more weeks to wait until the appt with my new RE.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I have been cramping, loopy from 5 different medications they have given me (my husband is called Nelly Nurse by my mom since he brings them all to me the minute they need to be taken, God love him), and crazily hungry. My sister and one of my best friends sent an edible arrangement, and I ate all day yesterday even though I know I should have been fasting, but God surely understands. I will double duty fast next Friday. My parents came over and brought catfish, turnip greens, homemade mac and cheese, and Paula Deen's ridiculously delicious "Not Yo Mama's Banana Pudding". If you enjoy cooking, you must try this recipe. It made my day halfway bearable yesterday. If there is one good thing about surgery, and I should know after 3 d/c and an abdominal myomectemy, it's that my family and friends come together to feed, visit, and take your mind off the sadness of what has just happened.
The patient beside me while waiting for my d/c was an older lady from africa who was waiting to have her eggs extracted and was talking to her doctor non stop about the next ivf appointment. I heard her say his name and I realized that is the clinic I will be going to in May, different doctor, however, same clinic. I hope that is not a route they will select for me. Getting pregnant is not an issue, staying that way is, so surely they will not suggest that. Now my prayer is that our problem is not chromosome problems b/t the two of us or NK cells. I have read the problems it could be with my rpl and those are not two I can handle. The options are: keep getting pregnant until one baby sticks which could be countless attempts or "they select a viable embryo from egg extraction which does not have problems and insert into the uterus." I will not be able to "kill" non-viable eggs. The other option is what they lady in the UK has gone through with 17 m/c and finally has conceived. How that lady is not committed, I'll never know.... Heck, I needed to be committed after our 2nd! It didn't help that it feel smack in middle of the holiday merriment season and directly after the birth of 2 neices and a nephew (once again who were unplanned...), but I was over the top depressed. She must have the faith of Job, that woman.
My father in law is a true gift from God. He is a born again Christian after years of smoking and drinking heavy and found the Lord right after my husband was born to become a nondenominational preacher. He preaches in jails, prisons, and missions and goes on mission trips around the world preaching the Gospel. Even though are faiths are different, that are in essence the same. He came to be with us at the surgery center and was there when I awoke in recovery. I was so drugged still and crying, crying, crying. He was there holding my hand and preaching to me about keeping the faith. He reminded me of Sarah and Abraham, Elizabeth and Zechariah. He said he KNOWS we will have a baby and that I just have to give it all to God: the pain, anxiety, fear, and sadness of waiting. He knows I have been struggling with prayer and faith after each m/c but especially after this one. He truly is Godsend, and I am thankful God picked his son for me. I am blessed. Actually I told my priest that same thing before mass Thursday night. Maybe that is why God has given me this cross to bear. I have had a truly great and blessed life. My husband is patient, loving, and a genuinely beautiful man who treats me so wonderfully. My family is loving, large, and supportive. My friends are more loyal than a Labrador Retriever. I have been born into this great country with freedoms unheard of for women in other parts of the world. I have a job I am obsessed with and the mind to learn anything God puts in front of me. I know had a large cross to bear, but maybe it is because I have never really had one to bear before. So I can do this. I can bear this cross and maybe one day will understand exactly why He has given it to me......
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I lost it in school today. After lunch, I called the fertility clinic to see if I could get an appointment closer than the current one, May 6. (how can i wait that long!?) The receptionist informed me the doctor is out of the office the whole month of April. So i begged to be put on her standby cancellation call list. The last time I went there, last May for my abdominal myomectemy, my appointment was moved up 4 weeks due to a cancellation, so.... God please if you can try to hear me this time...let there be a cancellation, please.
After that mini breakdown, I got on the clinic's website to research (bad idea). I not only found out that rcl (recurrent pregnancy loss) testing is at least 6 weeks, but additionally that "our research shows 70-75% of couples with rpl will have a healthy baby. Well, I personally freaked out with those kind of odds. I mean, I am a % type person anyway. After my very first ob appt with the first pregnancy when we were stunned with "this probably won't be a viable pregnancy", I remember reading 20% of all 1st pregnancies end in miscarriage. Well, I thought to myself, "I won't be in that 1/5 of total people, that's pretty good odds". I was in that losing percent. Then with the second one, I knew that I had a 40% greater change of miscarrying again. For the second time, I fell in the losing category. So now I am deathly afraid of any sort of % when it comes to me and our quest to keeping a pregnancy. Of course my two best friends are so positive and reassuring (which is what I need) and say that is a great statistic. I just can't imagine God not allowing us to have our child. I cannot. It will not happen. It will not.
I had Spanish club for the kids after school, and it took everything I had not to bolt out the door, jump in my car, and drive off screaming and crying. My nerves today are shot. Totally and completely shot. Every little thing reminds me of our loss: from getting up to pee still in the middle of the night, to an occasional breast pain which automatically sends up my arms to feel (I did that for so many days when my symptoms started to fade out of fear), to seeing a child in the hall who I know was adopted, to hearing about a mother who was so drunk this past weekend again at a local sporting event and has 5 children (how was she granted so many children!!!!!) to looking at my desk calendar and counting days until my dc or fertitily dr appt. I am about to lose my everloving mind.
I cannot be one of the 1/4 of couples with rpl who never have a child. I will not accept it. I don't know what I have to do to block myself out of that category but I will move heaven and earth to find a way, by God. I just hope to have my prayer life back on track when it is time for the fight. One of the stages of grief is anger, I hope this stage doesn't last long, but I don't feel right when I can't talk to God, and I most definitely cannot talk to Him right now. I just hope my friends and family are lifting me up in prayer in my own absence of prayer.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My life was coming together perfectly. I was a healthy, active 33 year old with a blessed fiance, great friends, and wonderful family. I finally had found my dream job teaching Spanish at a Catholic elementary school, and my life was truly about to begin.....
Blake and I were married October 11, 2009 on a beautiful day and started our life together with a perfect ceremony, reception, and gorgeous honeymoon fit for movie stars. ( I cannot reccommend El Dorado Maroma en Mexico enough.... those were the days!) I just knew that we would be pregnant right away, and I didn't give miscarriage the slightest thought. Sure I knew people had them, but honestly I never even thought it was an option for us - never entered my mind. Well we missed the window for pregnancy in October due to the date of my cycle right after our honeymoon, but 2 months later in January we had a positive pregnancy test. I was scared at first, but excited also. We had just found out my husband's sister was suprisedly pregnant (she only had one child, 16 year old) as well as my brother's wife and younger brother's girlfriend as well. All three of thier pregnancies were not planned and all a surprise, we had planned ours and we anxiously awaiting our first appointment.
Like I said before, miscarriage was not ever thought of, and I just knew in 9 months, we would be carrying out beautiful bouncing baby home from the hospital, so when the doctor told us the ultrasound results were troubling, I felt like I had been punched in the face by Mike Tyson himself. Not only was the baby not developing, but I had 3 very large fibroid tumors that could negatively impact future pregnancies. I returned 2 days later for follow up bloodwork to see if my numbers had doubled. They had not but went up enough to schedule a follow up ultrasound the next week. We had more troubling news after that ultrasound - we were experiencing a blighted ovum - the baby never developed fully and to expect a miscarriage or to schedule a d & c. I am a staunch Catholic and felt like a d & c was akin to abortion and decided to wait it out. Added to all the anxiety and sadness we encountered with our loss was a clinic and staff very unsopportive to our needs and unsympathetic to our loss. I vowed to change doctors with the next pregnancy for sure! After about a week, my miscarriage started on the Saturday before spring break and I was off work the entire length of the miscarriage so I could grieve at home in peace.
The next month, I went to a fertility/reproductive endocronoligist to discuss the fibroid tumors which could inhibit a future pregnancy. The doctor made me (a self-professed hypochondriac ) feel so at ease about the surgery, my recovery time, and the next pregnancy, that I was ready to get the show on the road. In May 2009, I had an abdominal myomectemy (they were too large to remove laproscoptically), and had a very rough recovery. There were 3 fibroids totalling 2.5 pounds and one was as large as a nerf football! I couldn't return to work (luckily it was almost summer break), and it was very difficult to walk and get around for at least 2 weeks afterwards. I was told to wait a couple months before trying to concieve again, which was okay by me since my sister, friend, and I had a trip to Guatemala the next month. I even hiked up a volcano 6 weeks out of surgery! :) We got home from our trip and got the green light to try to concieve again in late July at my follow up appointment.
I got pregnant the next month and had a positive test in September. Boy, we're fertile! we both thought. I was a little nervous with this pregnancy because now I understood how very fragile life can be. I also knew that once you have a miscarriage, you are twice as likely to miscarry again. We prayed daily, however, and I started feeling so sickly, tired, and moody. I knew this was a good sign especially since my last pregnancy had little to no symptoms. The first appointment wasn't until 8.5 weeks which seemed like eternity! I keep feeling sickly though, so I was gradually gaining confidence in our new baby and losing doubt and fear of miscarriage. Our appointment was textbook perfect. The new doctor's office and our doctor were unbelievable and so different from the first one, as was the ultrasound. Not only was there a perfect heartbeat and baby growing, but she measured almost a week ahead! We were so escatic and texted everyone we knew on the way home. About a week later, I started feeling more energy, less nausea, less breast tenderness, and I started panicking. I googled myself to death and read on so many sites, that losing symptoms starts sometimes around 10 weeks and this is normal. So i ignored my gut instinct to call the doctor, and I just decided to wait 3 weeks for my next appointment. I wasn't showing at all and this also worried me, but I heard you rarely show with your first one until 2nd trimester. When our doctor couldn't find the heartbeat via doppler in the office, I realized this was not going to be a good visit. We then went to have a vaginal ultrasound where we saw our baby had not grown past 10 weeks, less than a week past our last appointment. At this point I was days from 13 weeks, and we were totally devasted. This time I opted for a d & c because I could not bear for the agonizing wait of a natural miscarriage. I had the surgery on October 28 and afterwards I had massive headaches, depression, and anger especially toward pregnant women and those with tiny babies. I avoided my own 3 new nephews and neices who all had just been born (our first should have been born along with them and I could not escape that thought...) At all cost I avoided situations of being near infants and pregnant women. The thought of being around that totally terrified and angered me. I was so resentful and miserable inside.
At my follow up appointment I become more upset when it was suggested to me to wait at least 2 more months before trying to concieve again. All that got me through each day was the thought of getting pregnant again! My doctor finally made me realized that it would be much better to try to find a reason for this than go through another miscarriage so I agreed and made an appointment for miscarriage bloodwork. After the results came back mid December with a diagnosis of MTHFR clotting disorder, I was put on baby aspirin, prenatal vitamin, and folguard, and told to call when I got a postive test result. We also received the report from the d & c (they tested the fetus to rule out chromosomal problems) and were told we were in the clear and that "the fetus was within normal female karotype". This saddened me because it made our baby so much more real knowing the sex, and happy because I thought we are finally on our way to getting some answers!
We got pregnant again right away in January and had an early appointment at 4.5 weeks due to my history of miscarrying. Blood levels were drawn 2 days apart and everything looked great. The next week, I started bleeding bright red blood and panicked! We rushed to the doctor and they did an ultrasound which showed me dating a week behind. I was told to be careful but a miscarriage was likely. Fast forward a week later after more bloodwork with positive results and another ultrasound to a yolk sac and tiny fetal pole. I knew everything would be okay because I had been feeling so ill and tired. An ultrasound 3 days later showed our tiny baby measuring a week behind but with a heartbeat nonetheless. I had prayed for a miracle, and I truly believed we had been given one. The next day I woke up feeling great, no nausea, no tenderness, no fatigue after lunch and I started panicking again. I voiced my fear to my husband who dismissed it as being gun shy after 2 previous m/c. Likewise my friends and family seemed to thing everything was fine, but deep down I knew and started preparing emotionally for another loss. This morning at 9:30 my suspicions were confimed. Indeed our baby had stopped growing the day after our heartbeat ultrasound, the day I started feeling better. So here I am again today, with heavy heart and head awaiting another d and c on Friday at 11. So not only do I have to go through with this emotionally, but physically I have to wait for another 4 days.
How do I feel? Sad obviously, overwhelmingly sad, but also hopeless. I am so scared to even think about getting pregnant again. I am tempted to just start adoption process. I am not sure I can go through this again. My doctor has referred me to a fertility specialist (the same one who did my fibroid myomectemy) since I am now labeled with "recurrent pregnancy loss". I feel without hope for the future and very alone.